Anyone with depression knows what a roller coaster your life can be. There are highs when you feel like everything might just be okay, and then there are lows when no one can convince you that anything will be okay. Most days are in between, especially if you are on mood stabilizing medication. Sometimes the depression or anxiety break through, and when that happens, there is other medication. It’s a merry-go-round of moods that is enough to make anyone dizzy.

I don’t know what causes my depression, whether it’s environmental stemming from unresolved issues in my childhood and the death of my daughter or if it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, but it’s certainly pervasive. I took off this year from appearances to adjust to my new life in Atlanta, and to alleviate the stress of being “JP”. She seems to be a very polarizing personality – people either love her or hate her. On either side of that fence are very vocal supporters and detractors. Sometimes it’s difficult to hear the former for the latter, so I took a break.

One of the things that has really helped me to reclaim myself is the tattoo I’ve started on my back. There’s a quote I found while I was looking for the design I wanted to use – “And like the Phoenix, she will rise from the ashes of despair, and soar.” It’s such a clear parallel to my life – that I’m burning the pains of my childhood and teenage years and emerging anew in my new life here in Atlanta. I searched through hundreds of images before I found the single one I wanted. Then, I took it in to an artist who had been recommended to me, and when he drew it out – I knew in my heart – that was it. It took him over an hour to come up with the rendering in the size that I’d specified, but the time was so well spent.

Then, he brought me into his workspace and we got started. Except for a few tender spots like the flames going over my shoulder, the pain wasn’t as bad as I expected. Brian was funny and sweet, and when I told him that him talking to me helped – he kept up a two-hour dialogue until he’d completed the line work. My phoenix soaring through the sky, its feathers aflame is everything that I needed. It’s beautiful and empowering. I can’t wait to see the finished piece.

Now, I’m not saying to run out and get a tattoo; there are other touchstone reminders that you can use which aren’t permanent. I have a leather cuff from a friend in Florida. He gave it to me to help alleviate my social anxiety, and it worked. Whenever I wore it (which is to every event), I can feel his affection and strength. I have a talisman from a friend here in Atlanta. He gave it to me when he did a cleansing ritual in my room. It’s now always in my pocket when I leave the house because it’s a way to take him with me. These simple symbols remind me of things. They remind me that I am loved and that I can be the person I need to be during these author events. The tattoo on my back, even now before it’s finished, reminds me that I am strong. I’ve lived through shit that would have broken other people, but not only did I survive, but I succeeded in life. I have 24 published books, a great job, wonderful friends, a beautiful apartment, and a kick ass car.

I am starting to soar.

XOXOXO,

JP Barnaby