You know that thing about the swan? The meme. All calm on the surface, but paddling like a mf’er underneath?

That’s me. Except for the ‘calm on the surface’ part. It’s been manic the last few months. Not being able to drive after that seizure has NOT helped, but there’s been a bunch of stuff on top of that. It turns out the deck in my backyard is a death trap. Literally. It’s apparently been held together by inertia and, like, three rusty nails. So I’m having to get that fixed…and by fixed, I mean completely ripped out and redone (which was easier than my carpenter dude expected since the posts holding the whole thing up were not concreted in!). That’s a lot of fun with the dogs and all.

Then there’s the fact that I am going to have to be a competent adult and leave the country to go to UK Meet and GRL. Which I am looking forward to, through the funk fog of anxiety. I love going to cons. I love meeting everyone in person, hanging out, and just the energy of it all. However, it’s been 2019 and a whole pandemic since I did this and my anxiety is just sitting there staring at me.

Like, ‘You ready for this? Brace yourself’.

And, dear Lord, the logistics of it all! As far as I can tell I am good to go for travel. Flights are booked, transport to the airports arranged, passports checked, and authorizations cleared. I’ve still got to get swag, get some make-up, pack, unpack, pack again, stick more knickers in because SOME PEOPLE get no more ammunition. Then there’s the social side of it all. Like do people still like me? When they say they want to see me, do they mean it or they just being polite? Are they secretly dreading seeing me in person because I smell (that’s an oldie, but a goodie. That I’ve been paranoid about since I started Regent over here).

It’ll be good. I want to see my friends, hang out with people, and drink so much cold brew coffee I develop the ability to see through time. This year it’s just also all a bit overwhelming! All of which reached a crescendo this morning when I got a call from my optician because I had forgotten my eye test. Now I won’t get new glasses in time for anything and my tiny brain just went ‘well…feck it’ and ignored me telling it to get stuff done for a couple of hours.

I hope I’m not the only one finding this all difficult. So if you are (as well) be kind to yourself. Take a break. Rest your overheated brain. Make sure the big stuff is done though.