Reviewed by Valerie

TITLE:  Hold Me Under

SERIES:  Water, Air, Earth, Fire #1

AUTHOR:  Riley Nash

PUBLISHER:  Self-Published

LENGTH:  348 pages

RELEASE DATE:  March 16, 2022

BLURB:

Victor Lang had everything—looks, money, fame. A chance to become the greatest swimmer in history. Until a failed dope test brought him crashing down.
According to the rumors, he turned into a recluse, a drug addict, a whore. Broken beyond repair. Incapable of love.
And for some reason, he’s set his sights on me.
A freak accident in his pool throws me into a world of wealth and status and people who are willing to do anything to get what they want. Before I know it, I’m being paid to fly to Italy and pose as his boyfriend. Trapped at his side, I learn what it means to truly hate someone.
Turns out, that’s exactly what he wants.
I can’t save him, and I can’t love him. But as things fall apart and I discover the truths he’s hiding, I learn that hate can be greater than love—an obsession, a prayer, dark days and darker nights, a need to be the only one who hurts him. Hate can heal the worst wounds love leaves behind.
But I have problems of my own, a broken spirit and loved ones to protect. And I’m scared to face the things he’s waking up inside of me.

A gritty, emotional, epic hate-to-love slow burn with an inexperienced top and his bratty bottom, hurt/comfort, obsession, and healing. Guaranteed HEA!

Content Warnings: Contains dark themes, adult content, and potential triggers, though every effort was made to portray them thoughtfully and sensitively. Specific triggers (potential spoilers): sexual abuse (off the page), suicidal ideation, drug abuse, disordered eating, trauma, mental illness, homophobic language

REVIEW:

There’s a place I go. The water is emerald green and has no bottom so I can just sink and sink and sink. As long as I keep sinking, as long as I don’t come up for air, no one can reach me there.”

OMG, what a freaking phenomenal book! This enemies-to-lovers, hurt/comfort novel is deeply profound. It’s the tale of “two fucked up boys against the world” causing each other soul scorching pain but ultimately giving themselves to each other so they can heal.

I was dragged through a wide spectrum of emotions, from disgust to heartbreak to admiration and love. I loathed Victor for his despicable behavior and cruel words toward Ethan, but soon I wanted to cry, hug him, and never let go. I was awed by his ability to survive. I felt grave sadness for the tragedies Ethan endured, and respect for his stalwart devotion and care for those he loved (and came to love). And then there was my pure want and need for these men to help each other heal and find a way to remain together. It’s a gut-wrenching story, which makes the happy ending all the more rewarding.

Six years ago, in one of the biggest controversies in sports history, Victor had a spectacular fall from grace as an elite swimmer who was breaking every world record and destined for Olympic gold until he was found to be doping. He was the first gay athlete to reach those heights; now he’s just a disgrace. He let down the world, shamed himself, then crawled into a hole filled with drugs and sex. Now, after ignoring him for those six years, Victor’s father wants to use him as the face of one of his new business ventures and Victor can’t say no. His publicity rights are contractually owned by his father. There’s a catch – his father wants Victor’s image to be bolstered by the stabilizing presence of a boyfriend and hires Ethan to be that fake boyfriend. Victor and Ethan have only met once and they despise each other. When the media campaign takes them to Naples, Italy, the hate worsens, even when it’s joined by lust.

Victor wants to escape life and continually fantasizes about drowning. Ethan struggles to comprehend Victor’s past and how it motivates his current behavior and shapes his mental state. Victor adamantly refuses to divulge his secrets to Ethan because he doesn’t want his pity or disgust. Paradoxically, he wants Ethan to hate him, not love him. “I didn’t know what it meant to feel safe until you hated me.” It’s safer to be hated – hate can only be improved upon, whereas there’s so much to lose if you’re loved.

“Many people have loved me, with many kinds of love, and that love has been all the worst days of my life, all the darkest nights. I’ve learned to shut myself off, to do everything that’s asked of me without feeling a thing, and I can’t stop because my body’s addicted to being used. But he’s not here to love me, and that promise has filled me with a dangerous hope.”

Victor’s been used by everyone: by his former teammates to get drugs and club access; by random men who wanted a piece of his ass; by the media and his coach who wanted to make money off his success; and his father who desired the prestige of a celebrity son. Victor allowed this because he needed to be needed, to be told what to do and praised for a good job. He’s now a shell of a man, broken shards he doesn’t know how to reassemble.

Ethan is no stranger to tragedy, either. Is it fate these two men meet and provide for each other what the other needs? It appears it’s a one-way street with Ethan helping Victor, but Victor provides the means for Ethan to fulfill his caretaker impulses. Ethan believes he can never do enough so he continually works harder giving more of himself with the hope he can make everything alright, that someone will finally tell him he’s enough. He’s lost himself, having created an identity based wholly on helping others and ignoring all other facets of his being.

Sex brings with it first times for both of them, although neither is a virgin. Until Victor, Ethan had never felt strong sexual attraction, passion, or intimacy. For Victor, it’s the first time he isn’t being used, the first time someone has treated him right, with tenderness, the first time he hasn’t been walked away from, left cold and empty.

“No one’s been good to you, have they?” I whisper. He doesn’t answer, but I feel one of his hands wrap around my leg, hold on. “I’m gonna erase them all.”

Riley Nash’s writing is captivating, the wording just right, the imagery beautiful – evocative of hot summer days in Naples where most of the book is set. Victor and Ethan walk the city’s back streets, passing by fruit stands and stopping for gelato; they sit among wildflowers, eating fruit on the grounds of ancient Roman ruins; Victor glides through the azure sea, exhausting himself stroke by stroke while Ethan sits in the sand among the driftwood taking selfies for his mom.

The more damaged a character, the more he touches my heart; Victor broke me. I was so affected by this book, I picked it up two days after finishing it and read it through again, still not over the initial hangover. The pain, the hostility, the cravings for each other are all palpable. The exploration of the dichotomy of love and hate is intriguing. The truly happy ending is perfect. I just can’t recommend this powerful book highly enough. I think I’m ready for a third read.

RATING: 

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