My older daughter is a university senior this year. She’s a brilliant and accomplished young woman who’s amazingly adaptable, passionate about social justice, and skilled in the kitchen (we call her the Midnight Baker). She’s also competitive and a perfectionist. These latter traits serve her well now but presented a challenge when she was younger. She’d try something new, like playing the guitar, and when she wasn’t instantly amazing at it, she’d give up in disgust.
Back then, when she was upset because she wasn’t quickly proficient at one of her school subjects, I gave her a lecture. I think it’s a good one, so I’m going to repeat it to you.
There are three kinds of tasks in the world.
The first kind are tasks that come very easily to us, things we can do extremely well without much effort. My younger daughter, for instance, is wonderful at constructing things. When she was only 11, she single-handedly assembled a set of outdoor furniture in the thirty minutes while my husband and I were out for a walk. All the reviews said it would take two people a couple of hours. Nowadays she puts together a 1000-piece puzzle in a few hours. My older daughter, on the other hand, has a particular knack for spelling and grammar. She came in 6th in the statewide junior high spelling bee and now proofreads many of my books.
The second kind of tasks are those we can be excellent at, but it’ll take some effort. Writing is in this category for me. I’ve always been good at it (she says modestly), but I’ve also practiced a lot and learned from editors and other authors. It’s something I think I can constantly strive to improve at.
The third kind of tasks are those that we struggle with. With a lot of effort, we might be passable at them, but we’re never going to be the very best. That’s where math is for me. I managed to get through enough of it to satisfy various graduation requirements, but even after a lot of work, my grades were mediocre, and I promptly forgot most of it. When I need math done, I ask my husband or older daughter, for whom math is a category two subject.
What’s the point of all of this?
I gave my daughter this lecture to help ease her frustration. I didn’t want her to give up on things she wasn’t perfect at—instead, I wanted her to put in her best efforts and then feel proud of what she accomplished. I also hoped she’d stop comparing herself so much for other people. Sure, that person may be much better than you at drawing, but that’s because drawing is category one or two for her, and three for you. Remember, you’re better at singing, which is something she has a hard time with.
The moral here is to appreciate our own and others’ efforts instead of despairing when everything’s not perfect. I also hoped these categories would help my daughter focus her energy, in that she could make a conscious choice of what level of achievement to strive for and go into it knowing how much work it would take.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had to give my daughter this lecture. She’s done a lovely job of building on her strengths while also putting effort into her weaknesses. But I still give myself this lecture, especially when I’m hesitating over trying something new. I don’t have to be perfect at anything—I just need to try my hardest and be fulfilled with where that gets me.
What are your tasks in each category?
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Kim Fielding is the bestselling author of numerous m/m romance novels, novellas, and short stories. Like Kim herself, her work is eclectic, spanning genres such as contemporary, fantasy, paranormal, and historical. Her stories are set in alternate worlds, in 15th century Bosnia, in modern-day Oregon. Her heroes are hipster architect werewolves, housekeepers, maimed giants, and conflicted graduate students. They’re usually flawed, they often encounter terrible obstacles, but they always find love.
After having migrated back and forth across the western two-thirds of the United States, Kim calls the boring part of California home. She lives there with her family and her day job as a university professor, but escapes as often as possible via car, train, plane, or boat. This may explain why her characters often seem to be in transit as well. She dreams of traveling and writing full-time.
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