Reviewed by Sadonna
TITLE: Without You
AUTHOR: Marley Valentine
NARRATORS: Tim Paige & Teddy Hamilton
PUBLISHER: Tantor Audio
LENGTH: 9 hours and 14 minutes
RELEASE DATE: July 31, 2020
BLURB:
Tragedy brought us together, but something stronger made me want to stay.
Julian was the boy next door. My brother’s best friend, he fit with my family in ways I never could. While he and Rhett went on to play house, I left the only life I knew, desperate for a fresh start. Until everything changed.
Heartache came along, and the aftermath of my brother’s death was here to stay. I was now face to face with Julian more than I ever wanted to be.
Being around him brought up all my insecurities, forced me to deal with hard truths, and conjured up feelings I had no business entertaining. He wasn’t the man I thought I knew. He was complex and layered, and inherently beautiful in all the ways I’d never noticed. Not on another person. Not on another man. Not until him.
Contains mature themes.
REVIEW:
Deacon is back home in Billings Montana from his home in Seattle for the funeral of his younger brother Rhett who has battled leukemia on and off for years and has finally succumbed to the disease. Julian is Rhett’s childhood best friend, next door neighbor and finally boyfriend who has been in the picture basically their whole lives. They are both dealing with some pretty overwhelming emotions. Rhett was his mother’s shining star and she’s crushed. She has taken it out mostly on Deacon who could never be the son she wanted. Julian is just devastated. Rhett has been his one true friend and lover his whole life and his stability after he lost his parents and was in foster care since a very young age. Julian and Deacon share a moment of deep grief before Deacon heads back to Seattle.
On the one year anniversary of Rhett’s death, Deacon is back in Billings and he and Julian at first clash. But as the visit goes on, Deacon begins to see another side to Julian the man, not Julian Rhett’s boyfriend. And he’s not sure what it is, but he feels a connection to him. And even more strange, for the first time in his life, an attraction that comes out of nowhere. He’s never been attracted to or involved with another man before. He has no idea what he’s doing and he’s thrown quite off balance. His mother’s constant barrage of belittling and hounding him don’t help and Julian, who has seen it all along tries to help, much to Deacon’s chagrin.
When Deacon comes back for Thanksgiving, things get even stranger for Deacon. He can’t seem to stay away from Julian. Stranger still, Julian seems to return his attraction and of course both of them are very nervous and uncomfortable because of Julian’s relationship with Rhett. But they can’t help their feelings. And somehow it seems really right.
After Deacon heads back to Seattle, they keep in touch and when he’s home for Christmas, the cat is out of the bag. There is a lot of family drama – no surprise there. But Julian holds on to Deacon for dear life. Deacon doesn’t want to be without him and convinces Julian to visit Seattle to see if he could possibly see himself there. Julian takes him up on it to see if maybe he can envision a life for himself beyond the mere existing he’s been doing in the shadow of his former life. But it’s a big move and there are a lot of considerations.
This is the first book by Marley Valentine I’ve listened to or read. I really didn’t know what to expect, but I saw a LOT of high ratings for the book and the narrators were familiar to me and I had enjoyed their work before, so I decided to give it a go. I’m really glad I did. Boy is this an emotional story. The first part of this story especially is very heavy. The grief is palpable for both Deacon and Julian. The loss of Rhett is just that last straw in the fragile thing that is Deacon’s family. His mother has had all her hopes pinned on Rhett and has always been “disappointed” in Deacon, the proverbial middle child. Victoria, the older sister does her best with both Deacon and Julian and of course is the typical oldest child peacemaker – trying to keep things together. Deacon’s dad has his own issues and is definitely tired. Rhett’s illness has taken a toll on the whole family and he was not only Julian’s boyfriend, but his lifelong best friend. Julian’s world is shattered by Rhett’s death. Deacon has spent a lifetime resenting Julian, but after a year, he finally begins to see Julian for himself, not Rhett’s friend and boyfriend. And he’s shocked – because he’s never taken the time to know him at all despite him being essentially a part of his family for years. For both men, it’s like the proverbial scales falling from their eyes when they clash and then come together a year after Rhett’s death.
The central relationship between Julian and Deacon seems like it moves fast between early November and Christmas – but truthfully they’ve known each other most of their lives, so it’s really a change in their relationship to a much more adult version. Julian has always assumed that Deacon is straight – and frankly so has Deacon. So their physical attraction is something that kind of comes out of the blue for both of them and knocks both of them for a loop. It didn’t feel false or forced though. Deacon is surprised, but didn’t find it difficult to got from women to Julian. The most difficult part for them is discussing Rhett and the resentment that Deacon has had to deal with because of his mother’s treatment of the two of them. He loved his brother dearly, but their family dynamic was a total disaster. And it almost gets in the way of Julian and Deacon’s happiness. I really liked that the author didn’t tie everything up neatly in a bow because sometimes – frankly a lot of times – that’s not how it works in life. Some people are toxic or too blinded by their own issues to be able to participate in their kids lives. Sad but true. I loved Deacon’s sister and her family and his best friend Wade and his girlfriend. These are the folks that support Deacon and Julian in their newfound relationship. And the ending was just sooooo good. The story has a lot of emotional highs and lows and if you’re currently dealing with the death of a loved one, you might want to take this in small doses or wait for a better time to listen, but I thought this book hit the notes perfectly of grief and loss and trying to live again. Highly recommended.
RATING: 
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