So, I’m going to cover two different yet related topics in this post. First, I’m going to talk in general terms about the shit that flies around our genre with frightening frequency. Then, I’m going to slice and dice and splice that in with mental health awareness month – because in case people didn’t notice this, words hurt – and since lots and lots of us are geographically separated, that’s all we are—words.
Has anyone ever noticed how often I start my blog posts with the word “so”? #Random
Our genre is a bloodthirsty one. I wasn’t prepared for that when I started writing professionally. Of course, I figured it would be like my day job where everyone plays nice to get things done. It shocks me sometimes, the voracity with which people will go after other people (it’s not just ours – I see it in het fiction, Sci-Fi and other genres). But it hits more closely to home here, because I’m a card carrying member of the LGBT community and we’re supposed to build each other up—fight together for a common goal. Even in the community at large, people tear each other down because they’re not gay enough or they don’t live up to someone else’s expectations. I won’t say to stop, because it won’t. Human nature wires us to compete—to fight—to always be right. Not everyone can be right because “right” is about perspective. We try anyway, stomping on anyone in our path, even if we consider them friends.
Now comes the splicing.
People respond to hate and aggression in different ways. Me? It pisses me off, and spurs me into action—usually to my detriment, but I push headlong anyway. For some people, lots of people in fact—they take it to heart. They believe the rhetoric someone else spews at them. We all stand up and say “stop bullying in our schools, it’s killing our children”, and it is. Then we stand up and do the same fucking thing to each other. I put myself right in that category because I can rip someone’s heart out with a few well-chosen words. It’s a terrible gift. With a few strokes on the keyboard I’ve negated all the positive Karma points I try to build up being a good person. But I’m not a good person—I’m an average person who does average person things.
You may say that putting yourself out there as a public figure makes you fair game to ridicule. Why? Because authors try to entertain you? Because they try to make you feel something? Because they try to make you identify with someone other than yourself? It’s a ridiculous argument, and it applies to authors too. We are just as horrible to each other. But, public figures—authors, actors, artists—they deserve the same respect you show your neighbor or your kid’s teacher. They work for a living just like everyone else, put their pants on one leg at a time—or at least I think they do. Authors have feelings just like everyone else, and being crucified on social media affects us, as it would anyone. It’s that grain of sand that sinks into your mind and scratches at all of your insecurities. It’s just like that kid at school having to listen to all of those horrible things people say about him or her—and no one seems to see that.
Would you rather your favorite authors take risks and surprise you? Damn – I never thought he’d go THERE. Cool! Well, lots won’t because they’re afraid of the backlash if they do. I’m not one of them—Aaron and Papi are a testament to that, but many are. They CAN’T possibly write *gasp* cheating, or douching, or whatever the rule of the week is because they’ll be hung up like a piñata and beaten for it.
So, this is what I’m proposing:
- If you love a book – tell the author. Trust me, they need the love—especially lately.
- If you’re offended by something in a book, start a dialogue, not a witch hunt.
- If you see someone starting a witch hunt – let them know that isn’t cool. We are community here, and you wouldn’t set fire to Mr. Johnson’s tree just because his dog pissed on your lawn.
- If you see someone being beaten like a piñata, even if you don’t agree with what they did—reach out and let them know that while you disagree, you still support them as a person. They’ll need it to help take the stakes out of their hands and feet when they come off the cross.
I spent YEARS trying to keep my psychological state in balance, and the shit I put up with as an author didn’t help. I’m a bad person because I defend people. I’m a bad person because I bring porn stars to events. I’m a bad person because I have an assistant. I’m a bad person because of what-fucking-ever. I took a year off writing because I couldn’t stand listening to it anymore and then I stepped back and just watched the cannibalistic carnage without engaging because due to my shyness, and what I had to do to overcome it, people think I’m a diva. I don’t care anymore. I can’t care anymore what people think of me or say about me because if I do, I’ll lose every bit of ground I’ve gained in the past few years. I’m happy now, and no one is going to take that from me. Not happening. Sorry.
I only pray that other authors come to that realization because seriously, when we beat each other with two-by-fours, all that happens is that we get to watch the genre we love bleed.
Huzzah!
I promised myself when I came back from the void that I wouldn’t do this but that last one – Jesus.
Wow. I don’t even have words. I’m a bad person because I don’t engage since I’m white, female & het. When my own son tells me I can’t know what it’s like to feel how LGBTQ people are marginalized it strikes home. So I stay out of the killing fields & try to do what I can to support behind the scenes. *hangs head in shame*
Supporting behind the scenes is so much better than jumping in the fray – and I appreciate your support of others. <3
Thanks, I’ve seen how vicious some of the sharks can be & I’d rather not be chum. It’s bad enough sitting through a counseling session hearing my kid cry & knowing I can’t be much more than a cash cow because I can’t “know” what it’s like to be queer or trans. Having strangers virtually flay people because they’re not whatever enough is definitely not a battle I want to jump into.
That can’t be easy – but just keep in your heart that you are his safe target. No matter how angry he is – he can lash out at you and get that anger out, and he KNOWS that you will stand beside him and love him. I have a 16 year old niece who is angry all the time because of bullying at school–she lashes out at my sister, but the anger isn’t about my sister–it’s about the people brutalizing her at school. <3
That, all of that. And if people could just remember that, if we could all just take a step back and realise that the anger we encounter isn’t necessarily aimed at us but springs from years of frustration and not being heard or understood, maybe we could also have the compassion to refrain from lashing back.
Thank you! I’m so glad you said all of that. I’ve grown new muscles in my scrolling finger over the last few months. All of us appear to be lashing out at each other for one reason or another and if I allow myself to get too involved or, worse still, take it personally, I will get ill so I don’t. I know where I stand, those who know me are aware of that too. That has to be enough. I can’t allow the opinion of strangers to affect my life or leave me in tears. It isn’t always easy, but it is the only thing that works for me.
Thank you for posting this. I’m glad you decided to say this – hopefully this will be the one last time 😉
PS – we miss you in Chicago.
I don’t know who you are but my heart bleeds at the suffering you have experienced. Thank you for having the courage to share this. And for reminding us that words can indeed make a person bleed just as surely as a weapon.
I think I miss a lot of the venom that goes around. It’s not so much that I’m good at dodging it as I think people don’t tend to include me in it. I speak my mind about it, and that’s something they tend to want to avoid. Or I’ll write a blog post about it and that’s definitely something they prefer to avoid. Nicely said, Trish.
I rarely see this negative side of the community…I must always be in the wrong (or right) place at the right time. But I do hear the hurt and anger and discouragement of some of the authors who have been targets.
I can never understand the mind set of the people who decide to express thoughts that have no other purpose than to hurt and demoralize someone else. But this highly social and fairly anonymous vehicle seems to have a lot of these passengers
If only there was a foolproof “anti-venom” vaccine we could construct to shield the minds and hearts of the targets of such attacks…. Maybe words and psyching ourselves is all we can do.
I’m an aspiring writer and seeing some of the interchanges, the reactions, the comments is enough to make me hang back…protecting the less-than-confident person inside me.
Great post, JP.
I miss the days when I actually thought of the m/m romance genre as a “community” lol. I have come to terms with the fact that most people won’t want to hear what I have to say, and after being silent for a while I just decided I don’t care. I’ll say what I want to say and let them deal with not liking me!
There are so many great people in the m/m writing/reading world, I’m just going to keep focusing on those people, and continue being myself, and hope that someday I will be surrounded by people who appreciate me as I am.
We are ALL fighting our own battles. Kindness is always appropriate. Thank you for reminding us all of what is most important <3
I try to review all the books I read. Even if it’s just to say what I liked about specific characters.
people take out their own personal anger/issues on others, spreading hurt around, because it’s better with a crowd, you’re not bitching/pissing and moaning alone. it’s the only explanation for the viciousness I can come up with.
but for every person who thinks you “bad” I am sure there is at least one who thinks “good guy” 🙂
thank you for this article.
*hugs*