Once upon a time, I met a man with the most amazing smile in the history of the world who walked with a cane. It took only minutes before I knew my heart was his.
Many of you know this story, or at least part of it. We’ve been in the spotlight for a while, separately and then together. You know we met for the first time at GRL 2012. We got engaged at GRL 2013. We have plans to marry on November 8th, 2014. I’m the loud, snarky one who never stops talking. He’s the handsome, shy one with the biggest heart.We’re good together. We fit. We complete each other. He keeps me sane. I make him laugh.
But there are things you don’t know.
I had two different thoughts when I first laid eyes on him.
The first:I want to climb him like a tree.
The second:He’s perfect. Every bit, piece and part.
As I write this, I am sitting in a waiting room of a respiratory hospital in Richmond, Virginia. It’s 11 in the morning on a rainy Friday. It’s cold outside. We’re supposed to get snow later. I forgot to grab my heavy coat when I packed my bag this time. I accidentally left my gloves at the hotel. Forgetting little things is normal for me these days, as are the purple lines under my eyes from lack of sleep that don’t ever go away. Normal is the leaner face I see in the mirror from the weight I’ve lost. Normal is the Kleenex I keep in my pocket to wipe away the tears that too come easy so he doesn’t see them when I sit beside his bed.
The waiting room is off-white. There is a non-descript photohanging on the opposite wall. I think it’s supposed to be art, and Iguess to some at is, but it’s a generic black and white photo of a tree taken by a wannabe Ansel Adams. The chairs are purple and uncomfortable. There’s an old TV playing some game show where everyone in the audience is wearing costumes. I turned it down because it was hurting my head.
And the smell. It doesn’t matter where I’m at in this place. It doesn’t matter if it’s this hospital or the previous one where my fiancé Eric Arvin spent 26 days in the Neuroscience ICU while he underwent surgery on his brain stem to remove a tumor called a cavernous hemangioma. It doesn’t matter which one it is or where I’m at in them because they both smellthe same. Anyone that has spent long periods of time in a hospital knows that smell. It’s antiseptic. It’s cloying and crushing. It gets into your clothes and doesn’t come out until you wash them, and even then, you’re still positive you can smell it on you.
Once upon a time I met a man with a heart so vast that it took my breath away and I realized it was no longer just I, but we.
On Tuesday, December 10th, Eric began to have weakness in his left leg. On Wednesday, he could no longer stand on his own. On Thursday, he was intubated in a hospital an hour away from home and I felt like everything was crumbling around me. As I stared down at his sedated body with tubes shoved down his throat, I only had one thought: What? What? What?
Everything that came next smashed the wonderful life we’d built for ourselves into tiny little pieces.
The doctors told us he might not survive the surgery.
The doctors told us they probably wouldn’t be able to get the entirety of the tumor.
The doctors told us he would need to be on a ventilator for the rest of his life.
The doctors told us he might never walk again, or have use of his arms.
The doctors told us he might never be the same.
Once upon a time, I met a man who was stronger than any man I’ve ever known, and he became the rock in my life. My constant.
It’s now over a month later.
The life we built was smashed, yes, but the foundation is still there, waiting to be rebuilt.
He survived the brain surgery. Thirty minutes after, he woke up, looked at me, and said hi.
The neurosurgeon was able to get the entirety of the tumor off of his brain stem.
About a week after the surgery, Eric breathed on his own without the ventilator for an hour.
Two days following the surgery, Eric began feeling sensation in his arms and legs. It comes and goes, but at least it’s there.
Eric is not the same. I don’t think any of us every will be after this. That is the one thing the doctors got right. But that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it might even be a great thing. I certainly see life differently these days.
I post about these happenings almost daily on Facebook. People that follow me or have read my posts know that I’ve always been an open book. I’ve been asked why when such a dark thing is happening, that I’ve continued to be this way. One person was horrified that I would even consider airing our personal business about Eric’s illness and told me as such. Some things should be kept close and quiet, they wrote me.
I contemplated that. Honestly. For at least a full minute. Then I said fuck that.
The reasons I’ve been so forthright with the events of the last month are twofold. First (and most obvious), if all of a sudden Eric and I had disappeared from social media and our interactions with fans and readers, questions would have been raised. Wrong assumptions would have been made.
But even more so than that is the fact that if I didn’t have an outlet, if I couldn’t write about what was going on, I probably would have slowly and irrevocably gone insane. Hospital time is not normal time. Hours can go by in an instant. Hours can sometimes take days. I didn’t know why people kept wishing me Merry Christmas while I sat by his bed until I looked at the calendar that afternoon and realized it was Christmas Day. I write about it because if I don’t, I think I would be lost.
And when I did, when my posts went from glib hysterics (“Hot paramedics took Eric to the hospital!”) to sheer terror (“He made need a ventilator for the rest of his life!”) something extraordinary happened. Something I never expected.
This community, this wonderful, brash, beloved community in which I write, gave us the greatest gifts. Donations poured in. To date, we have raised over fifty thousand dollars. People took up Eric’s five song shuffle posts and ran with them, posting them in his honor until he can do it on his own again. People ran with Eric’s insistence at proceeding with the brain stem surgery (“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”) and made it a battle cry. Perfect strangers, people that we’ve never met face to face from all over the world, wrote to us, telling us that everything was going to be okay, that he would get better and all would be well. They wrote that all we had to do was just believe.
I didn’t. At first. At first, I thought he was going to die.
I eulogized him. Over and over in my head. Told myself when it happened, I was going to disappear for a while, take a trip somewhere where no one knew me, find a beach, and drink myself into a stupor day after day while seagulls called out overhead.
These were some of my darker days. They went on, for a time. I couldn’t stop them no matter how hard I tried.
But now, some of these days are good.
And something has changed within me.
I believe. I do. I believe with every fiber of my being. I believe with everything that I am. With everything that I have.Because the alternative would be to not believe, and that is something that I can’t even fathom anymore. I can’t ever picture a time when the strongest man I’ve ever known, with the biggest heart I’ve ever seen, with the most amazing smile in the history of the world, and who walks with a cane, would not be at my side.
There is no alternative. I believe that with all of my heart.
Once upon a time, I met a man who is now lying in a hospital bed, undergoing a bronchoscopy to remove mucous from his lungs as he can’t cough it up on his own given the fact that he’s on a ventilator. By the time you read this, he’ll have been transported to a new facility in Ohio to hopefully help rid him of this issue. These days are the dark ones and undoubtedly, there are more ahead.It’s hard to know that I won’t be able to follow him there, and that I’ll still be back in Virginia, counting down the days until I get to see him again.
But I know in a few more minutes, the nurse is going to come tell me I can leave this waiting room and go back to his bedside. He’ll be groggy from the sedatives they gave him. That’s okay. I can wait.
I can wait because I know when he opens his eyes and sees me, I am going to get the most amazing smile.And my God, am I going to believe.
– – – – – –
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
BELIEVE – lets go, lets go, LETS GO!!!!!!
<3 and hugs TJ. We have you. Let's Go!
TJ thank you for sharing in your inner most thoughts with us. I have complete faith that y’all will meet your wedding deadline and I cannot wait to see the photos. Eric is going to get stronger not just for himself but for you also and the love that you two share that has span the universe of the MM community.
So Lers go go go..
Hugs .
My heart is breaking for you…..You must have been so terribly confused & frightened at the beginning. But now…HOPE! Thank you for sharing with us. We have followed both of you from the beginning and your right, we would have assumed the worst. So, these posts are important to all of us. We only want Eric to get better. To be back to smiling and showing his heart….and to stand with you on November 8, 2014. And we all know he will. LET’S GO, LET’S GO, LET’S GO!!!!!
With much love and respect,
Lis
I believe. Thanks for sharing. XOXO
I don’t know what to say, except: Eric & Tj, don’t stop believing ♥
Oh TJ ((((HUGS)))) I wish I could just hug you and Eric and make it all better but then I read this and know that you don’t need me to do that. You and Eric are so strong, your love and belief in each other will carry you though and make it all better in the end. Know that I am always sending you love, and good vibes and best wishes. Love to you both.
~Ayla
TJ-That was a beautiful post. I know you’ve heard this before and will probably hear it millions more times before this is over, but I am truly sorry for everything that had happened to you and Eric since December. I know you guys will come out of this stronger than ever, but that doesn’t make the now any easier. Stay strong and rely on family, friends and this community which has your back one hundred percent. Best wishes.
Sending much love and positive thoughts to Eric and you, Tj! Counting down the days till you see him again – just a little more than a week now! Let’s Go. Let’s Go. Let’s Go!
Never stop believing, Tj. Everything will be okay. It’ll be a long, hard fight, but Eric is up to it and you are up to it because the two of you are worth fighting for. Never lose hope and never stop believing. Keep that amazing smile in your heart until you see him again. Let’s go.
What can I say. You’re an inspiration to us all, a true love story. We’re all there, right with you, in that waiting room – believing. We will all be with Eric when you can’t be and we will all be with you when he can’t be. We’re a click of the mouse away, always. Goddess bless you both
We Believe with you Tj, and we’ll keep up the battler cry.
Let’s Go, Let’s Go, Let’s Go.
Don’t stop believing! Your warrior will come back to you, stronger than ever, and we all believe this, like you do. Sending love, hugs and positive vibes. Just a little over a week, and you’ll be with him again. Stay strong, Tj. We’re all supporting you and Eric through this. <3
You both are such amazingly strong people. Believe and have faith, we do. LET’S GO!
The seagulls….
I believe too, Travis. I always will.
Debbie
I believe too ❤️ Let’s Go!
Believe. Belief has it’s own power. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Eric.
Once upon a time…..I was working on a ritual for Samhain, just a quiet observation mind you, nothing as fancy as a full-blown howling. However seeing as how our community has lost quite a few respected elders over the past year, it was deemed necessary in my book of “this is how we honor our Dead.” I stood up from my desk on Oct. 26 and suddenly all Hell broke loose inside my head when an unknown meningioma decided to irritate a blood vessel and the resulting aneurysm (which I thought was just a sudden migraine) decided to take my life and my 21 year relationship with my beloved on a ride through Fear and Hell. By Oct. 29th, I was in ICU and my beloved was told they didn’t know if I was going to “make it.” Less than 4% of those who have what I had survived….much less stayed home 3 days self-treating a mis-diagnosed “migraine.” By Dec 17th and the THIRD CT scan whatever was there was “gone” – totally and completely disappeared. No tumor, no swollen blood vessels, NADA….
You and your beloved will make it through this because through will and love you’ve come this far. Through prayers and good will and joyful applications of magic and mojo, this too will pass. What is left however, will be an appreciation of what you have together in a depth you should grab and hold onto forever- don’t let anyone come between that – ever. What you and Eric share is priceless and eternal and will last beyond stardust and Goldfish crackers…
May Brigid hold and keep Eric safe and healed and whole. May you each be blessed with peace and health and joy. May you each live long enough to enjoy the rest of the adventure you signed up for together….and be able to laugh long and hard over when all is said and done.
Gentle Hugs,
CK/(Asnee Llygedyn)
You are an amazing man TJ and I am so honored that you have not only shared your story with me but with everyone. I too believe that your Eric is going to over come this obstacle because he going to fight with everything in him for you and your love. So all I can say is Let’s go Let’s go Let’s go.
TJ I’m glad you shared this with us. We can help and some people have donated 2 & 3 times! You help others who may be in the same boat. You keep us posted so we worry right along with you and you’re not in this alone. Sending positive believer vibes and huge ((hugs))
Thank you TJ for such a wonderful post, for sharing and trust in us, your faithful friends/followers/readers/etc. to pour heart out like this. So glad we could help you, even if a little.
And Sid, thank you for hosting TJ for this. It means so much to soooo many of us.
Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s go.
Hugs – sending you both best wishes.
This is the most beautiful piece I’ve ever read. Please keep sharing events and your feelings with us. I’ve never met either of you personally but I know you. I know you through your books. I know you through youtube. I know you through social media. I know you through all of your friends. And so, I love you both.
Thank you for posting this. It’s beautiful. And after reading this, I understand the significance of him moving his LEFT foot! Yeah, I believe.
Beautifully written. Keep on believing and “Let’s Go, let’s go, let’s go!”
Beautifully said. Ditto to Marygrz3’s sentiments. Please keep us posted; you are not in this alone.
Wow you are sooo amazing words can not express. When I think of you and Eric a quote from the famous author on positive thinking, ZIg Ziglar, comes to mind.–I’M NOT GONNA GIVE UP, SHUT UP OR LET UP. AS A MATTER OF FACT I’M JUST GETTING WARMED UP. You & Eric will continue to be in my prayers. Let’s Go, Let’s Go, Let’s Go
I believe! I’ve said it before. Eric is a super hero. Not one that has been bitten by a spider or was part of a lab accident. Nor was he dropped in a thing of acid. His super power comes from within. He’s like Batman (without the money) Eric has made himself into the strong person he is by stubbornness and perseverance and by believing in himself. Now he has his trusty side kick, his rock to help him with his battles which makes him even stronger. There is nothing the dynamic duo can’t do.
I am proud to be part of this literary community (authors, publishers, editors, proofreaders, and readers). It’s more than that, it’s a family.
My heart goes out to both of you. It’s hard to see a strong person in the hospital and it’s especially hard to see the funniest man I know reduced to tears. I just want to hug and protect you. But this new place will be great for Eric and he will be home where he belongs. Maybe not next week but he will. Then you will have the rest of your lives to spend together. Your love is strong, I have no choice but to believe 🙂 In the mean time we’ll be here for you. You need family, that’s why you post updates. Love you both lots!
My heart breaks for all that you and Eric are going through but your updates, pictures and what you have written here today gives us all hope that all will be well. I have faith that you will be strong and help Eric pull through this. We believe in you TJ. Your inspiration and love for Eric shines through and I hope you will be back with him soon.
Belief is beautiful, and so are you and Eric..
Believe that, with love, the best outcomes are always possible. Big hugs to you two, who mean so much to us, your online family. Let’s go let’s go let’s go!!!
TJ, your ability to convey the deepest of emotions with your prose, never fails to amaze me. This piece, which I hope Eric reads, is simply beautiful and soul baring vulnerabilty, brave. I feel honoured to have read this. Thank you.
Have you ever thought of writing for a living? 😉
Good luck to you both! You are an inspiration to all of us!!
Love.
Hope.
Believe.
Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!!
Believe!!!! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Your story makes me believe that one day I’ll find that one person, that I can’t see myself living without. That I will be there home, and I will be theirs. I believe, because you and Eric have that love that I only read about in books. I love you both, though we’ve never met. Stay strong, Stay positive, and just BELIEVE!!!
Sending lots of love your way! <3
You’ve never met us face to face, TJ, but you’ve touched us. In big ways through your books and in small ways through social media. The way I feel when I read your books or your blog or your posts on FB … I just can’t describe it. Words are my thing, man, but I gotta tell ya, I’ve got no words for this. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through in the last few months, but please know that those of us who you have touched wish we were there physically, to hold you up, to encourage Eric, to just BE there. Yes, believe. Believe in your own strength, and in Eric’s courage, and in our support. It will always be there. Always.
Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Simply…….BEAUTIFUL!!!! Let’s Go, Let’s Go, Let’s Go
Your love is strong…you are strong…Eric is strong. Don’t stop believing!
You must believe, yes, but only in God in t and Eric, on the strength of their love, because I’m convinced that this is the true force that has made Eric go ahead and I know, I know, that everything will fine. Why? Because as intense, so unconditional, love unites souls, unites hearts, and I can not believe this can end.
Stonehenge, winter solstice 2015, see you both there. 🙂
This was wonderful Tj 🙂 If telling us what is happening helps you keep your sanity please continue..do not hide how you feel, you are among family! we are here for both you and Eric. We have your back. Believe as we do that all will turn out great. We love you and support the two of you. Be strong, hang tough and all will be well again. Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go!
You are one hell of a special person and your man too!
Don’t ever stop believing
And don;t even let anyone tell you what to do or not to do
Be you and Believe
Let’s go !
hugs
I believe in both of you. I believe your LOVE is powerful enough to overcome all of these potential obstacles the medical community has presented you with. I believe that you are a beautiful, strong and compassionate partner. I believe that YOU are the reason that Eric will recover. Keeping you both close in prayer. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!!!
Your story is beautiful and heart-warming and I wish you both the very best of luck. I’d also like to share one of my poems with you in the hope it will help in the dark days (but I also pray it won’t be long before the sun is shining for you both!) x
HOPE
In your eyes I see the fear that hides behind the smile.
“What if’s” and “buts”, “if only’s” too are added to the file
marked ‘negative’ within your mind,
but in the file marked ‘Hope’
are thoughts of those who love you so
and these will help you cope
when days seem filled with dark despair
and nights with untold fears.
The file marked ‘Hope’ is always there
so let go of your tears.
Let them go and see them flow
and watch them wash away
“what if’s” and “buts”, “if only’s” too
and you will find each day
in the files marked ‘negative’ and ‘Hope’
you just can’t miss the latter
for the ‘negative’ file is thinner
and the ‘Hope’ file’s so much fatter!
Draw from the file its healing love and thoughts,
See – with surprise
each time you take from the file marked ‘Hope’
it doubles up in size
till there’s no room for the negative
that fills you with despair
and it proves to you what Hope can do
because it’s always there.
©Marlene Woolgar
You’ll always have thousands of people aft your back, supporting you, all over the world, because that’s how you both are loved… strongly, dearly, daily, immensely… you drove me to tears reading your post. Believe, because we can make our way, we can change or destiny… Eric will get better and you’ll have your marriage next year. Never stop believing!!! Lots of love for you both from Brazil.
Thank you TJ for keeping us informed through this hard journey you two have been traveling. I go to my iPad first thing every morning just to see if there has been any good news about Eric. Your love for him is beautiful. I am proud of how you have handled everything. Don’t let anyone ever say you should do things differently than you have. And no matter what…..KEEP BELIEVING!!!! He will be home with you soon. Right where he belongs
He truly does have the most amazing smile, especially when he smiles at you. I stumbled across the Tj & Eric show on your website after wanting to find out more about the fab author I’d just discovered (I was new to the genre and you eclectic set of books and emotional rollercoaster was just wow). When I was watching it you made some snarky comment and he looked at you and smiled…and time stopped. I have never seen love so openly written across someone’s face, it was like glimpsing someone’s soul. It was every moment I’d read about in my favourite novels. And I was only seeing it through the medium of the internet – what it must be like to be the person he was smiling at. So I had to read some of his stuff, I randomly chose Woke Up in a Strange Place (I didn’t know it was the book that started it all for you both) and wow, just wow.
So I stalked you both online a bit more and like hundreds of others came too love the two generous authors, with their amazing love story, fabulous books, wit, care and that smile. And I KNOW whatever the future holds together you’ll be fine, you’ll face it and tell all the crap to fuck off and Eric will smile at you again and you’ll be the arm round his waist that holds him up and he’ll be the quiet, gentle, wicked calm that tethers you. I truly can’t imagine this awfulness you’re both dealing with but I am convinced with all my heart it will work out. Take care of yourself. X
Nothing can stand in the face of faith Tj. Neither in the face of your powerful words. Eric is going to get better and leave the naysaying doctors speechless. Still praying for you both and hoping you can be together soon. *Hugs*
AFREAKINGMEN!!!! We love & honour you both, Tj & Eric 🙂 Let’s Go, Let’s Go, Let’s GO!!! BELIEVE, because miracles and magic are happening & will continue to happen!!!
*HUGS HUGS HUGS*
Tame
…s’cuse typos ^^^^^^^^^
Damn it you made me cry again! Keep your hope as strong as your love. The thing about having a great love is that it’s such a risk. But if you stand on the sidelines and don’t get in the game then you never have a chance to win. You two will make it. We all believe! Let’s go!!
Thinking of you both, with hope and belief, through this hard separation time. You made the tough call with the move to Ohio, but it already sounds like a good thing. I do expect to see you and Eric stand together at your wedding. I believe in his strength and determination, and your love and support. Tell us when we can help, in any way.
TJ ~ I read this at Mayo Clinic in the waiting room surrounded my many people hoping for great news like you were hoping for while you wrote. I cried and then explained my tears when my name was called. I know those experiences of that horrid hospital funk you can’t wash off because I spent a year living there with my daughter. Little my little. Day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. And don’t those surgical waiting rooms suck (in the super bad way)?
ERic and TJ sending salty tear stained kisses and gentle multi purpose hugs. Thank you for letting us in.
I believe! Your writing is some of the most beautiful I’ve ever read. Love you TJ! Your friend, the 52 year old gay bride.(I don’t know why but I do not like the word lesbian. Weird, eh?)
Bugger! I’m crying.
That is the most beautiful thing I have ever read
Stonehenge is freaking awesome!! Let’s go, Let’s go, Let’s go!!!
I’m so glad to see that you can write about it, and talk about it, because I think that’s going to help in the healing process…for both Eric and you, TJ. We need to talk about these things, and tell each other these things. And anyone who has ever had their life crumble around them within minutes knows exactly what I’m talking about. Just keep believing.
[…] For those of you following TJ and Eric’s journey, TJ shared his thoughts today at Sid Love’s. Link to guest post here. […]
TJ, the word believe means many things in various faiths, but no matter the faith, the main thought is that when one person believes in something they are putting out energy that is changing their world for the better, when two believe the same thing the energy is doubled. You have a whole community/family who are actively believing you and Eric will come through this. Stand strong, don’t let the naysayers bring you down. Remember always that you have so many people believing with you that together we will see you through this. Blessings and Hugs Let’s Go Let’s Go Let’s Go!
I know of somewhat you both are going threw, my daughter has a brain tumor, and my prayers go out to both of you!
You are both amazing. My deepest wish, after wishing Eric a full recovery and a speedy return to you, is that my children can find for themselves such a deep and abiding love. I believe.
I am so bawling like a baby right now. Believing right along with you. Bless you both.
We believe in you and Eric.
Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go!
We believe in you guys. We’ve always believed that Eric would pull through this because the option of him not pulling through to get his happily ever after with you was non-existent. We know that Eric has the most amazing smile in the world and you two are the luckiest men to have the kind of love you do. I haven’t always believed in true love, it’s never happened for me, but I see you two and I KNOW with all my heart that true love exists. I see it in your eyes, I read it in your posts, and most of all, it’s evident in the way that Eric is fighting with every single thing he has inside of him to get better because he has you in his life and that’s the most important thing. You two are inspiring, not only because of your love for each other, but because you’ve been so open with all of us and we appreciate that more than you could ever know. You two are the true definition of believe. <3 we love you both!!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Your post is like your writing, honest, sincere, heartfelt and full of amazing disclosures that both wring my heart and touch my soul. You may not need my hugs and love but I need to give them to you and Eric because you give me hope and inspiration and I want to make some small return to you. You will always have my support and all the strength I can send you, no matter what happens, but I KNOW it will turn out all right, I believe in you like I believe in few other things. GO GO GO
TJ and Eric, many, many hugs and kisses from me and my family.
Your love story is an inspiration. Continue to stay strong and never stop believing.
Beautiful! You have me reduced to tears yet again. Thanks for sharing and letting us help you and Eric, whether it’s through donating or words to comfort you and cheer you on. We’re here believing right along with you.
You really are a inspiration lots of love to you both.
Thank you for sharing with us. Sending lots of love your way.
I believe.
Beautiful. We all love you both so, so much. You can both do this.
I think it’s a very healthy move to share, TJ. Keep being strong for Eric and you. Hugs.
Believing your love for each will get you both thru this detour and back on the path you have set. Prayers for both of you!