Book Title: Be Not Afraid
Author and Publisher: AJ Saxsma
Cover Artist: Andrew Howard
Release Date: January 23, 2024
Genre: LGBTQ Literary
Themes: Coming out, accepting what we cannot change
Length: 120 000 words/431 pages
Heat Rating: 2 flames
It is a standalone story and does not end on a cliffhanger.
Buy Links – Available in Kindle Unlimited
Can you love yourself enough? Are you capable of it?
Blurb
Step into the small & intriguing Midwestern town of Larton where Lloyd Wood struggles daily with reviving his failing restaurant while refusing to relinquish any control, even in his family life. When a business guru arrives and promises to set the restaurant right, Lloyd is tempted by the promise of a miraculous turnaround.
Toby, Lloyd’s son, seeks conformity compulsively. Each day, he audits and buries his true self deeper, yearning to fade into obscurity, anonymity. His desperation leads him to a program that vows to obliterate his authentic self, setting Toby on an unintended and riveting path of self-discovery.
Meanwhile, Dawn, Lloyd’s wife, finds solace in a new church where love is not just a sentiment but a commodity. Lost in her family’s shadow, she embraces a new identity amidst her new church family whose intentions seem questionable at best.
As the Wood family strives to escape their own truths, the chasms they create around themselves deepen and, one by one, threaten to swallow the people they care about most.
‘Be Not Afraid’ explores identity, family dynamics, the destructive paradox of denial & with a distinct strength in voice questions our capacity to accept what we cannot change…or can we?
And then I thought about his dick and what it looked like. I saw the bump in his shorts, and I’m thinking about it now, how it is under the bump and his shorts and his underwear, and how his balls are under there too. I think about it a lot. I’m thinking about it now. But his eyes, too, and how he smiles and what he smells like when he sweats, I’m thinking about that, too, right now. I’m trying to stop it. I think I’m better at stopping it. Then I stop it, and I really don’t think about it for a while. Then I think about him and feel it in my chest, and I think that’s how I’m supposed to feel but to girls. Girls don’t heat my chest, and I don’t think about what they look like under their shirts or under their underwear. I want to think about those things, but I don’t. I don’t like the word boobs or pussy. I don’t like writing that. Is that how normal guys feel? They don’t like writing dick or cock or balls? I like writing those, and now I’m thinking about them and how guys make me feel in my chest. But I’m stopping that now, so it’s not a problem, I’m getting really good at stopping it. But. Is that how other guys feel? They don’t have to stop those thoughts about other guys’ dicks and stuff?’
The therapist lifted his attention from the journal he’d been reading aloud.
The room of guys before him was silent in their chair rows.
‘This is exactly what I’m hoping your journals are collecting, this is—it’s just, I see so much in here, so much that you don’t see, but I see it. I am amazed at the honesty on these pages, just amazed. The honest truth, and I always give honesty, you’re all worth that, the honest truth is I don’t like reading these, I don’t. I don’t like reading these at home in bed or alone in my office. But this is more important, you see? Release all these thoughts, release all of it. Thank you, Toby, for being so real and honest in your journals. It feels so good, doesn’t it, it feels so good releasing all this filth from inside and putting it on the paper, doesn’t it? All this filth, this horrible, horrible filth. You can see how Toby doesn’t let any thought escape the page. It’s so important and it’s so clear to me that he understands that any filth that remains uncaptured will sprout and grow and will break you, and I can’t fix what keeps breaking. This is exactly what I should be reading, all the horrible filth you’re releasing. Thank you, Toby, for releasing your filth to me.’
Toby was in the front row. He was red as fire and hot with embarrassment.
‘Let’s thank Toby, okay?’
The room thanked Toby for sharing his filth while the therapist pulled a list from a folder and listed off names of participants who had failed to do their weekly check-in with accountability partners.
AJ Saxsma, born in Illinois in 1987, is a queer writer. He lives in Los Angeles with his husky. His literary work has earned awards from Almond Press UK and has been published in several genre magazines. As a screenwriter, his work has been an official selection for the Independent Horror Film Awards, Hollywood Screen Film Festival, Los Angeles Cinefest, and Los Angeles Horror Competition. He’s also written the narrative scripts for four video game projects produced by Oculus for the Oculus VR system.
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