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All I Want for Christmas is Tentacles by Chloe Archer
Tinsel and Tentacles, Standalone with no order as the series is a multi-author one
Seasons greetings and alien abductions! Can two misfits find love together? It might just take a Christmas miracle! Let’s hope Santa doesn’t mind that tentacles can be both naughty and nice…
Khephren
There’s no way in Helgar’s Nebula I’m marrying the candidate my parents have chosen for me. I don’t want to be the house-husband of some stoic warrior who only cares about training all day. Boring! Thankfully, I’ve learned a thing or two from all those rom-com human movies I’ve illegally downloaded off the intergalactic web. No one will see it coming when I pull a runaway groom maneuver on them!
Once I make my escape, I can go on the solo honeymoon of my dreams—to planet Earth. It’s almost that wondrous time of year when they celebrate their holiday known as “Christmas.” Human Hallmark movies make it seem so magical. I want to experience it for myself! Now, I just need to find a human who can make my wish come true and help me have an authentic holly jolly time…
Sasha
Scrooge was right when he said “bah humbug” to Christmas. This time of year sucks balls, and not the fun kind. I’ve just lost my crappy part-time job and I’m slowly sinking under a sea of student loan debt and crushed dreams.
Just when I think my life couldn’t possibly get any worse, my cat and I are abducted by an alien who wants me to help him experience a “real human Christmas” on his ship. WTF? Clearly he’s chosen the worst possible candidate for the job.
But there’s something about Khephren’s enthusiasm and eternal optimism that starts to melt even my grumpy, cynical heart. Heck, I even agree to be his fake fiancé to get his parents off his back! I don’t know what’s happening to me, but Khephren’s charm is making me feel things I never have before. And those bright pink tentacles of his are strangely fascinating. I can’t help but wonder what all they can do…
As we spend more time together, I start to realize I might not want to go home and that maybe, just maybe, I’ve found what I’ve always been looking for. Could Khephren feel the same? If so, it would be a Christmas miracle and I don’t believe in those…right?
All I Want for Christmas is Tentacles is a standalone novel (71k words)in the Tinsel and Tentacles multi-author winter holiday MM tentacle romance series. It features a runaway tentacled-alien groom obsessed with Hallmark movies and Christmas, a grumpy human who’s down on his luck and says “bah, humbug” to the holidays, an alien abduction, fake fiancé fun, a cat named Jonesey, a droid named Rambo, a ship called the Sleigh Belle, found family, sweet and cozy vibes for the season, and a guaranteed HEA!
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Well, fuck me sideways. I’ve been abducted by multicolored aliens with tentacles—lots of tentacles—and somehow that doesn’t feel as weird as it should right about now.
Maybe I’m in shock?
I don’t think so though. Weirdly, the farther away from Earth we go the calmer I become. My life is a clusterfuck right now, and honestly, this doesn’t even feel like the worst thing I have to worry about. After all, student loan debt and the imminent resumption of repayment schedules are far more terrifying to me these days.
Sure, deep down, I’m still pretty fucking freaked out, but there’s something about these aliens that just doesn’t inspire fear. These aren’t the terrifying Harvester aliens from Independence Day, that’s for sure! Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t get any dangerous vibes from them. They might have crap taste in movies—really, Hallmark?—but they seem sort of…sweet? Especially the pink one called Khephren, aka Tentacle Boy.
Also, aliens are real! How fucking cool is that? Seriously, this is actually the most interesting thing that’s happened to me in far longer than I can remember. For too long I’ve just been slogging away at whatever jobs I could get to make ends meet. My only pleasure has been working on stuff for my Instagram account, but even that requires time and resources I don’t always have.
It’s time to face facts. I’ve been stuck in a rut. Strange how being abducted by aliens can give you some newfound clarity on life, but maybe this whole situation is an opportunity in disguise? Just imagine how I could use this experience to pitch an idea for a movie when I return to Earth!
Tentacle Boy keeps giving me worried looks. It’s weird and oddly cute. He seems so genuinely concerned. I sort of want to comfort him, which is totally bananas. But I can’t help it. He reminds me of a big pink puppy dog.
Fucking hell. I can’t possibly have Stockholm syndrome already, can I?
I voice my one major concern. “So, y’all aren’t going to do any creepy medical experiments on me or anything?” I glance meaningfully at their tentacles. “I’m not cool with nonconsensual probing.”
Khephren’s magenta tentacles, which I must admit are strangely beautiful, flail about him in obvious agitation and he gets this adorable, flustered look on his face. God dammit. That should not be so cute.
“Of course not! While I do admit we…whisked you away against your will, I hope you will think of yourself as a guest on our ship.” He holds out his hands, and several tentacles, imploringly. “That is how we will treat you during your stay with us.”
Guest might be pushing it, but I don’t say anything. “Do you all go around performing alien abductions on the regular? Is that what you guys do for kicks?” Honestly, I’m kind of curious.
The green alien called Luna snorts a laugh while Khephren pales and steps forward, his expression so earnest it melts some of my bitchy sarcasm. “You are the first being we have invited aboard our ship. We do not plan to make this a frequent occurrence.” He flushes. “I know I was being a bit spontaneous, but we’re on a mission to do as many things on our respective bucket lists as possible.”
Just when I didn’t think this whole thing could get any weirder, it does.
“And abducting a human was on someone’s bucket list?”
He shakes his head, his long magenta hair flying with the motion. “No! Like I said before, I want to celebrate a real Christmas.” His tentacles and shoulders droop at the same moment. “Alas, because I cannot pass the humanoid appearance test, I am unable to actually set foot on Earth. We snuck our ship in but never landed.”
Okay, I know he mentioned this earlier, but I don’t think I fully processed it then. Now, my mind is agog. Aliens are among us and they’re obsessed with Hallmark films?!
I dart a WTF glance between all three of them. “You want to celebrate… Christmas?”
Khephren and Luna nod their heads, their tentacles uncannily mimicking the motion, while Najar simply shrugs. Clearly he’s just going along with the wishes of his pals.
“How exactly am I supposed to help you celebrate Christmas in outer space? What do you envision me assisting you with?”
Khephren hesitates for a moment. “Well, I hadn’t fully thought out that part of the plan.” He looks down at his toes, his tentacles seeming almost contrite as they droop around him. For such a big guy—he’s easily six feet tall in comparison to my five foot six—he somehow manages to shrink in on himself at this moment.
He looks so adorably lost that I can’t help it. I start laughing and I can’t stop. This is all just so fucking wild and ridiculous. Before long I’m wheezing out gasps between loud and only slightly hysterical bursts of giggles, tears streaming down my face.
“Is he all right?” Luna asks.
The more intimidating golden-colored alien, Najar, eyes me warily. “Have we broken him? He’s acting rather…deranged.”
Khephren moves toward me, uncertainty written all over his expressive face. “Sasha? Are you okay? You’re worrying me.”
There’s that concern again in his mesmerizing kaleidoscope eyes. It appears completely genuine, and I feel an unexpected twinge in my chest. I can’t remember the last time anyone actually cared enough to be worried about me.
To celebrate the release of All I Want for Christmas is Tentacles, Chloe is giving away a $5 Amazon Gift Card, and a Signed Copy of the release!
Enter the Rafflecopter giveaway for your chance to win!
About the Author:
Chloe Archer writes M/M sci-fi and paranormal rom coms with laugh out loud humor because she’s all about bringing the funny-sexy back. Oh, yeah!
She currently calls Minnesota home, but has lived abroad in places like Montreal, Edinburgh, and Tokyo. She’s hoping to relocate to Scotland permanently one day if the stars align.
Chloe is a fur mama to two adorable Yorkies, Jasper and Teddy, and she loves them in a crazy dog mama kind of way. When she isn’t busy writing, she enjoys visiting friends and family, traveling, reading, binge watching movies and TV shows, and practicing her karaoke skills. She does a mean cover of Pat Benatar and Cher, or so she’s been told.
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