Grief Rage: Turning Agony into Art
By Sara Dobie Bauer, author of Light from the Grave
I’d never owned a dog before. Then, as of 2021, I had two—both pit bull rescues, mishmash mutts really. I wouldn’t have two dogs for long. From October of 2020 through to February of 2021, I watched my Raylan, my “little man,” go from healthy little hellhound to gone forever after dying in my arms. Suffering from heart disease, he was dead after only seven years.
I had never felt pain like this before. I had lost family members and friends over the years, but never an animal I considered my child. He was my boy, and I could do nothing to save him.
Miraculously over the course of his illness and death, I wrote. I wrote this book, Light from the Grave, which is why it is dedicated to Raylan and his memory. It took eight months to complete. (It never takes me eight months.) It’s also the longest book I have ever written.
In Light from the Grave, we meet Keller and Dylan, both witches with dark pasts. Their pasts are filled with grief, pain, and loss. It’s frankly one of the only things these boys have in common, other than the witch thing and being queer. And hot, obviously; they’re both hot because hot men make me happy.
I’ll be the first to admit that the first draft of Light from the Grave was a mess because I was a mess. After Raylan’s death, I was a disaster. I drank too much as a form of self-harm. I cared about absolutely nothing. I smiled at work and cried at home. At one point, I felt so much wrath that I threw a cocktail glass against a century home’s plaster walls—and the glass didn’t break but stuck there. “Grief rage” is a very strong and scary thing.
What allowed me to semi-heal was channeling this horrible energy into both Keller and Dylan. In the book, I make them discuss grief. I make them live grief. For instance, Dylan works his most powerful magic by invoking the memory of his adopted mother the last time he saw her before her death. He made his pain into power.
I think we’re all capable of the same. Pain is powerful, even when it’s awful. Pain, especially grief, is a reminder that we loved and loved immensely. Unlike Dylan, Keller has hidden his pain, and it rotted his heart. The beauty of Dylan’s emotions is what brings Keller back from becoming a monster. The beauty of Dylan’s pain is what makes Keller able to love again.
I’m obviously not saying “yay for pain!” I am saying that we learn nothing by hiding it. We learn nothing by shoving it down. When we bury our pain, it rots like a corpse until we begin to decay. Pain must be let out, especially grief, which was a hard lesson I learned after months of over-drinking to just feel numb after Raylan’s death. I never allowed myself to heal properly.
Now, following the death of my second dog Ripley only two months ago, I am trying to do things differently. I am feeling my pain. I even did a photo shoot in which I cried the whole time—theatrically and with impeccable makeup, hair, and costuming, of course—but I still cried. While holding Ripley’s collar at one point even.
All art is a form of expression, and I have found that art helps me heal. There are indeed scenes in Light from the Grave that still make me cry, but the crying isn’t so painful anymore. Again, the crying is a reminder that I loved, and are we really willing to give up the greatness of love to protect ourselves from pain? I certainly hope not, as both Dylan and Keller can attest.
(Photo Credit: Gentry Photography)
Book Title: Light from the Grave
Author: Sara Dobie Bauer
Publisher: Carnation Books
Cover Artist: Natasha Snow Designs
Release Date: October 24, 2023
Genres: Paranormal M/M romance
Tropes: witches, anti-hero, age gap
Themes: grief, mental health, redemption, family
Heat Rating: 2 flames
Length: 94 000 words/374 pages
It is a standalone book and does not end on a cliffhanger.
Buy Links – Available in Kindle Unlimited
Blurb
In the world of witches, Keller Rex is a legendary monster—a dark sorcerer with a gift for suffering. He has long been the protector of the Zayne coven and their ancestral home in Charleston, South Carolina. When the family matriarch, Vivian Zayne, dies under mysterious circumstances, he is tasked with finding the only person who can open her sealed Book of Shadows: the son no one knew she had.
Dylan Quinn has never bothered to figure out why cats follow him everywhere, but it’s been that way for as long as he can remember. After the unexpected passing of his adoptive mother, he had to make a new home for himself in small-town Ohio. Things have been quiet ever since, but lately, there are strange voices in his dreams and a sense of being watched.
When a striking Southern gent appears in town, Dylan welcomes the distraction. Keller is handsome and charming, but Dylan can tell there’s something else, something eerie about him. And he discovers he’s right, as Keller goes from being Dylan’s seducer… to his abductor.
Now back in Charleston, Dylan’s newfound family is shocked when it’s discovered his magical affinity is for death itself. Despite his fears, he’ll need to learn to control his terrifying powers in order to open the Zayne Book of Shadows. He also needs to keep his coven safe, and time is running out. The estate’s protective wards expire on Halloween, and power-hungry witches from all over are ready to pounce.
While Dylan’s awakening darkness threatens to overwhelm him, Keller finds himself confronted by feelings he thought long dead. Keller will do anything to protect his young necromancer and open Vivian’s Book of Shadows, but the Zaynes are in for a surprise when Dylan resurrects someone he shouldn’t.
Dylan stood by his kitchen island drinking a glass of water and froze at the sudden arrival in his home. Keller moved with inhuman speed. He appeared right in front of Dylan, who gasped and dropped his glass, which shattered on the wooden floor at their feet. Taking hold of Dylan’s shirt, Keller shoved the smaller man against the fridge.
“What are you?”
Dylan’s chin trembled. “What?”
Keller clenched his teeth. “What are you?”
“I-I don’t understand, but I’d really like you to leave please.”
Keller let go of Dylan. He chuckled and paced halfway across the small apartment and back. He was tired of playing games, tired of trying to work his magic on someone who seemed impervious to his influence, so Keller chose truth. “Your family is waiting,” he said. “Long story short: your biological mother is dead. She was a bitch who won’t be missed, and there is no time to spare. Several lives depend on you, so we need to go. Now.”
“What the fuck, man?” His words shook. “I don’t know who you think I am, but my biological mother died giving birth to me. That’s why my adopted mom agreed to give me her family name.”
“Zayne,” Keller said.
Dylan took a startled step back and again rammed right into the fridge. “How do you know that?”
“Because your biological mother did not die giving birth to you. She died a week ago.”
“How?”
Keller snorted. “That’s up for debate.”
“I don’t—”
Keller held up a hand between them, a silent but visible order for Dylan to listen. “Your biological mother’s name was Vivian Zayne, and she was a very powerful witch. We, as her coven, didn’t know you existed until the reading of her will. Imagine our surprise.”
Dylan’s eyes widened. “What?”
“You come from a family of witches.”
“Witches aren’t real.”
“Are you sure?”
Dylan didn’t look sure of anything. He looked like a frightened child.
Keller leaned his elbows on the kitchen island. “How long have cats been following you?”
“They’re just … cats,” Dylan said. “They follow everyone.”
“They follow you. How long have they been following you? Your whole life, I assume.”
Dylan glanced at the row of cats watching from his bedroom doorway.
“We call them familiars.” Keller clicked his tongue and stood. “Now, you may continue to have an internal crisis on the drive to Charleston. You’re coming with me. You don’t have a choice.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.” He reached for the chain around his neck—a nervous tic Keller had noticed before—but his fingertips found nothing.
With that, Keller leaned his head back and roared with laughter. He didn’t have much time to enjoy his dark amusement though, because even if Dylan didn’t believe in witches, he did believe in that necklace.
When the boy charged for his bedroom, Keller sprung into action. He wrapped his arms around Dylan’s upper body and held him captive against his chest, but Dylan still struggled against him, struggled to reach the necklace Keller saw hanging on the lamp by Dylan’s bed.
Keller spoke with his lips against Dylan’s ear. “All you had to do was wear that necklace, and I couldn’t control you. What a day to forget to put it on, hmm?”
In his arms, Dylan gave up fighting but did tremble with silent tears.
“Shh,” Keller whispered. “I’ll only hurt you if you make me.”
Dylan started shouting. He called out for help, but Keller covered his mouth with his hand and subdued his screams. The dampness of Dylan’s warm breath mixed with the saltwater of his tears against Keller’s palm.
Then, something strange happened. Keller found himself thrown backwards. He landed with a thud against Dylan’s bedroom wall. Dylan was no longer in his arms. Dylan was also no longer screaming. Keller, recovered from the invisible attack, raised his head to find Dylan standing in front of him—Dylan, but not Dylan. His eyes had gone black, just like they had in the coffee shop. Tiny black veins appeared around his eyes and spread down his cheeks.
Keller stared in wonder while cats hissed from Dylan’s windowpane but came no closer. “There you are, gorgeous,” Keller said.
Bestselling romance author.
Bisexual witch.
Feminist. Pro-choice. Anti-censorship.
Timothee Chalamet freak.
Horror movie aficionado.
Vampire mermaid in a past life.
Sara Dobie Bauer somehow survived her party-hard college years at Ohio University to earn a creative writing degree. She lives with her precious Pit Bull in Northeast Ohio, although she’d really like to live in a Tim Burton film.
Author Links
Blog/Website | Facebook | Private Facebook Group
Twitter | Instagram | Newsletter Sign-up
Enter the Rafflecopter Giveaway for a chance to win
one of three ebook prizes of Handsome Death and Fate of the Moon.
