Reviewed by Valerie
TITLE: The Devil Inside
AUTHOR: Nicky James
NARRATOR: Nick J. Russo
PUBLISHER: Self-Published
LENGTH: 10 hours, 51 minutes
RELEASE DATE: April 27, 2022
BLURB:
Their love was innocent and pure…
Until they were forced to believe differently.
Until they were brutally schooled on the “right” way to love.
Oakland is not gay. Jameson is not gay.
Being gay is wrong. It is immoral. It is a sickness they must fight. It is the devil inside that needs to be purged.
At least that’s what they’ve been conditioned to believe.
They’ve spent years trudging through the wreckage left behind after eight months in conversion therapy as teenagers.
When their lives collide again fifteen years later, the denial they’ve lived with for years gets harder and harder to fight.
They loved each other once. Can two broken men find a way to love each other again?
The Devil Inside is a higher angst, second chance, MM Romance novel with a HEA.
Trigger Warnings: Violence, alcohol and substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal ideation, internalized homophobia, and harsh homophobic language.
REVIEW:
Fred and Ginger. Fred and Wilma. Nick and Nicky – examples of fantastic, entertaining couples. Once again, this duo hits it out of the park with Nicky James’ powerful, ultra-angsty novel, The Devil Inside. This can be a tough book to read/listen to but it’s so worth riding the emotional roller coaster for the eventual happy ending.
This is the ultimate hurt/comfort book, or maybe it’s more accurate to say it’s a hurt/hurt book. Two men are so badly damaged by their pasts, it’s unclear whether they can help each other heal or if their own burdens will pull the other under. This is a story about the devastating after affects of conversion therapy on two seventeen year old boys, best friends who were caught fooling around and sent away for eight months. It thoroughly ruined the lives of Oakland and Jameson, now thirty-two, leaving them psychologically scarred in dark, dark places, drowning in self-hatred, substance abuse, and dysfunction. The long-term harm that is explored by Ms. James is infuriating and heartbreaking. None of the horrific torture is on page, thank goodness, but the current day ramifications in the narrative are real, raw, and gritty. Gut-wrenching. Beyond sad.
Oakland is married to a woman but can’t get aroused and it torments him. He wants so badly to be “normal”, to have sexual urges for his wife – to feel anything – and be the husband he should be. He’s severely depressed, struggles with employment, and is addicted to pills and alcohol. He doesn’t know who he is anymore – he’s dead inside. Therapy is uncovering his repressed past and it manifests in guilt, shame, and nightmares. The drugs and whiskey bring the relief of oblivion.
“This thing living inside me, the insidious beast who’d moved into the spot once occupied by my soul was poisoning me. Killing me. It was a presence I worked hard to ignore but one that lurked in the shadows, calling to me night and day, begging to be noticed.”
While Oakland is haunted by the beast, Jameson feels controlled by an evil presence – the devil inside. He’s filled with rage, suicidal thoughts, and the impulse to self-harm. He goes through life playing a part, never allowing anyone to see his true self. The boys were brainwashed to believe they were plagued with a sickness, a taint that could be cured by conditioning them to relate pleasure with punishment. No one is born gay, they were told. It was literally beaten into them that same-sex attraction is sinful and unnatural. Now, they both live in denial while attempting to fight off the “sickness” from returning.
Not having seen each other in fifteen years, they’re shocked when they meet by chance. While outwardly they recognize each other, inside they no longer resemble the happy, worry-free boys they were. Both men need to come to terms with their sexual orientation before they can move on in life and begin to consider if a relationship is possible.
“We weren’t a good match to get out of this together. We were both too damaged, too broken to rely on one another for help, yet, he was my only companion in the dark. I wouldn’t leave him behind.”
This isn’t a typical romance because there’s nothing romantic about the theme. Despite the darkness, though, it’s a wonderful story of enduring love and the fight for authenticity. As readers of LGBTQIA+ fiction, presumably we are either allies or queer, and as such, this is a very important topic. I’m grateful that Ms. James has brought more attention to conversion therapy in a way that doesn’t sacrifice a creative, interesting story. It’s clear she has done her research, as she does with all her books relating to mental illness and psychological trauma.
The side characters are well-conceived. I was particularly pleased with Oakland’s wife, Amanda, who could have easily been written as a stereotypical woman scorned. Instead, this strong woman faces her husband’s confessions with courage and kindness. Jameson is supported by an eccentric, elderly woman – who provides welcome levity to the book – and her gay, married son who demonstrates that self-acceptance can lead to a happy, fulfilling life.
There’s not a lot I can say about Nick J. Russo that I haven’t covered before, as he’s one of Ms. James’ go-to voice narrators whom I’ve reviewed numerous times. This pair entertains with a combination of fantastic storytelling and superb voice acting. Mr. Russo’s main character voices are well-differentiated, making the story easy to follow. He has a boatload of emotional material to portray and he does so authentically, staying true to character. Oakland and Jameson’s lives are dumpster fires and he conveys the devastation thoroughly. He brings their distress to life.
Whether you consume The Devil Inside in book or audio form, expect a riveting story. This is once again a fantastic Nicky James book. But do please heed the trigger warnings.
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If you’re interested in learning more about the abhorrent practice of conversion therapy, Wikipedia provides a good overview of the history, practices, and laws. While many countries outright ban conversion therapy (including, just recently, Canada), this abuse is still legal in thirty of the United States.
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