An Open Letter
To The Person in Charge of Last Year’s Solstice Observances for the Human Race
I know you know you’ve been slipping a little for the past few years…we’ve been patient. There were extenuating circumstances and all—we understand. Personally, I’m still emotionally hungover from 2016. But last year’s decision to swap out the regular Solstice offering for a fruit basket, no matter how spiffy—in retrospect, was probably a mistake.
Honestly, taking the designated virgin to your favorite gay club for some dirty dancing was asking for divine retribution. And we understand. Human sacrifices are so five thousand years ago, the virtual ones are tacky…(and he really was hot.)
But Dude.
By weaving your basket out of branches cut from the Golden Apple Tree, then staining it with juice from Persephone’s pomegranates…it was just tempting fate. Wrapping a Dolce & Gabbana infinity scarf around the handles? The final nail. The resulting six thousand nine hundred and fifty-six days of 2020 we’ve endured to date, have been hard. At this rate we’ll be too old to stay up past nine pm on New Year’s Eve!
So please.
Don’t do anything else to piss off the Norns…
(At least not before the stroke of midnight…on December 8,421st!)
As For Solstice 2020:
Lose the bells and whistles.
Ditch the feather boas.
Forget that Carmen Miranda pineapple head wrap you were eyeing…
Just stick with a fruit basket from Harry & David’s, and toss in flight voucher from Virgin Atlantic. (I understand these can be ordered online. Maybe ask them to throw in a lifetime supply of masks–we’ll surely need them if 2020 keeps going on the way that it has.)
If we’re lucky–and you you practice social distancing from the Gods —we still might make it out of this year intact. – LE
Happy Solstice, Everyone! Let’s wear our Pride and Solidarity open and often!
Remember, we’re all in this together.
Let’s have each other’s backs and keep our eyes on the prize:
#BlackLivesMatter #TransRights #Pride #JusticeForAll and #StaySafeOutThere
Much Love,
LE
I love fruit baskets…especially after a few margaritas!