As readers and writers in our particular genre we give voice to a notion of acceptance, of equality and the idea that love conquers all. It frustrates me beyond measure that off the page those same notions can be wholly disregarded in a melee of adversarial arguments, finger pointing and back stabbing. Of course, social media provides the arena for much of this playground behaviour since it allows the nastiness to be projected from behind the safe and cowardly screen.

When did we lose the ability to discuss our views through the filter of good manners and respect for the people presenting differing views? I believe that we should endeavour to return to the days of civil discourse as soon as possible. We should end the need to belong to “The Cool Gang”, learn to separate people from their ideas and above all start listening in order to understand rather than to reply.

It’s interesting that in our hurry to group the people around us, we tend to create a very irrational kind of group favouritism and of course our favourite group is the one we want to belong to or to be seen to belong to. The problem with this, is that those people belonging to other groups which we do not favour, makes them susceptible to being victims of social prejudice and even ostracism.

This tendency to put people into groups is seen all around us. We see it in politics and religion, in war and even in sports. The problem with this perspective is that it creates unnecessary tension and antagonism between everyone. Once we become more concerned about conforming to the values of our own cool gang, we start to act irrationally towards people of other groups, refusing to think intelligently for ourselves and even attacking other people’s values and interests outside of our own group.

Surely, as folks who espouse equality, we might have a far better perspective if, instead of seeing people in groups, that we were to see each person as an individual worthy of our respect, our understanding, our acceptance and our kindness. Of course, we don’t have to ignore the differences between us but neither do we have to judge them as either superior or inferior to us.

Maybe my perspective will be seen as naïve. But I go out of my way to try to identify with everyone in some way. There are many ways of measuring or viewing the differences between us but to me we are all just human beings with a desire to be happy. This means that I see all of us is connected at our core and so I cannot see any reason for divisive groups.

The topic of civil discourse is far too big for the space. Suffice it to say that it is a combination of debate, communication and personal interaction. Whatever the topic of conversation those taking part need to understand their opponents and how to engage with them. Civil discourse involves finding that fine balance between debate and discussion, between conflict and collaboration. It need not always lead to agreement but it encourages productivity.

Apart from group association, one of the biggest issues with the current style of argument is the inability to tell the difference between ideas and people. It is not wrong to disagree with an idea. The problem these days is that we are quick to disenfranchise the person when what we really disagree with is their ideas.

We seem to have lost the ability to be civil to each other whether it is online or in-person. Instead we fall into aggressive arguments and combative debates where a productive outcome is unlikely. These conversations are utterly futile because the more they polarise those involved the less chance there is for any resolution and the greater chance there is for pointless animosity.

So, what do we do about this? Well, just be nice! Respect other people. Listen to understand. Respect other people. Don’t shoot the messenger for the ideas that they deliver. Respect other people. Listen more and talk less. Respect other people. Smile and above all, respect each other.

TJ Masters is a published author who after a long hiatus has just completed a new novel (publication date to be announced)

I identify as an author and blogger. Scientist and geek. Retired teacher and now Life-Coach. Lover of facts and dreamer of dreams.