Love Bytes is giving a big warm welcome to author ZB Heller joining us today here at Love Bytes.
ZB wrote a wonderful guestpost for us and brought a great giveaway with her!
Welcome ZB 🙂

It’s 9:00 AM on a Friday, and I’m at the same place I am every Friday for the last three months. No, it’s not Starbucks or any other coffee house filled with business men, women, and hipsters getting their IV drip of caffeine. I go to sit in what I have now deemed my spot, the big blue chair by window that overlooks a pretty garden. On nice days, people can hang out there and try to forget, even if it’s for a moment, the reason we are all gathered there. As I settle in, I give my morning compliments to Fred the IV pole, but at the moment he’s quiet, waiting for the nurse to come over and stage the several medications I’m to receive that day.

While I’m waiting to get my weekly infusions, I’m about to utter to you the words that I loathe more than anything—even worse than cilantro, in my book, and that’s pretty fucking bad.  Three words that have flipped my life upside down and inside out and have stolen more than its fair share from me.

I am sick.

The last three years of my life have been a constant rotation of doctors, hospitals, ER visits, and more. Where once I considered myself a full-time author, I am now a full-time patient, and when I’m lucky, I get to do some author stuff here and there.

I will tell you what I have, although number one, it doesn’t really matter because it could be about any form of chronic illness. And number two, it’s going to make a whole lot of absolutely no sense. While doctors are still trying to nail down all the different components, my current diagnosis is called Mast Cell Activation Disorder. I know, I know, you’re thinking what the actual fuck is that made-up disease? You are more than welcome to look it up, but I will give you the Cliff Notes version: Basically, my body is allergic to itself.

My body responds as though it’s being attacked by an allergen, when it’s not. It gets SO MUCH more complicated than that, because there are other “issues” that come along with it, including Ehlers-Danlos (sometimes known as hypermobility) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. And now they are adding in the possibility of Small Fiber Sensory Neuropathy. Gosh, that’s a mouthful, and it’s not even dirty!

But it’s not cancer, right? No, but I go thrown that ball into the mix in 2017 when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, everything adding to the fun mix of things. I’m kind of like a mixed drink at some frat house—you have no idea what it’s made of but do know that it will probably end up fucking you right up!

But I’m not here to be the spokesperson for MCAS and other stuff. I’m here to write about how I deal with being an author who lives with a chronic illness, and what impacts it has on my work. We’re almost entering the month of July, and my last book, Jingle Balls, was released in December of 2018. It was a fun follow-up novella to my book Sex Ed. Since then, my characters have gone DEAD SILENT, and the amount of brain fog that I have been experiencing is enough to fill any creepy music video.

That’s right, the video Thriller could have made do with all the fog I’ve got going on. I swear, all my characters got together and had a big powwow and decided that I needed to focus on taking care of my body, so they all left to go sit in the Caribbean and drink fruity drinks on the beach while I sit at home and suffer. I may have to make them suffer when they come back. That’s IF they ever come back.

And in truth, that is one of the scariest things. Will it come back? I don’t know. Everyone tells me it will, over time. An author is always an author, even when they’re not writing. But I can tell you how difficult it is to see all your wonderful author friends publishing book after book, and meanwhile, you can barely form a full sentence. Mind you, I am extremely proud and supportive of these friends, and I’m a front-row cheerleader, but yes—I wish I was doing the same.

But there are the days where it’s almost impossible to leave the comfort of your bed because of the pain, the nausea, the hives broken out all over, or because of the fact that your blood pressure is in the tank while your heart rate decided to do a little sprint inside your chest. And on those days, you wish you could be in front of your computer, writing the words that you so desperately want to share with the readers, but you can’t.

Not for a lacking of wanting; your body says no fucking way. Sadly, there have been more of those hard days than good, but I’m working with doctors to get stabilized and take back some of my previous life by the balls. I just hope you, the readers, will be there for me waiting on the other side.

There are both authors and readers that deal with chronic illness on a daily basis. I’m far from the only one. And no one’s illness is more important or worse than another; it’s all relative, and each of us have to learn to live with what we have. But I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. Taking care of yourself is your number one priority, and if that means a million doctor’s appointments or self-care, then you need to do it. If all you can handle is binging Netflix because you’re having a painful day, then do it. Hell, I’ll come over and watch with you! But expect me in sweats, no bra, and my hair questionably styled, just a warning.

Through all this I have an amazing support team—many wonderful author friends, a fabulous husband and son, and a brilliant author group called Zolie’s Hellions. With all their support, I am able to make it through my days, whether I write or not. And for all of them I will be forever grateful.

And to the reader or author that is reading this—if you find it speaks to you, as well, please know that I’m there to support you, too. Because in the end, it’s support as a friend, or as an author, that provides magical lands you can escape to when you need to forget all this other crap life has chosen to thrown at you. We are strong, no matter what.

Jaxson Dane is harboring a secret.

Not the fact that he’s a geeky comic book lover, or that he secretly draws his own comic, Bunny Fu Ninja Warrior. It’s not even classified information that he’s out and proud!

His secret is the shame that he’s a twenty-three-year-old virgin.
Jaxson isn’t waiting for marriage or even afraid of taking that step, he just hasn’t found the one guy who will accept all of his adorkable qualities. Due to an unfortunate mishap with a self-pleasuring apparatus and his favorite appendage, Jaxson meets
Tyler Mason. The emerald-green-eyed nurse is a witness to the mortifying incident, leaving Jaxon both grateful and disappointed in their one-time meeting.

And then Tyler somehow shows up at Jaxon’s family dinner. The very dinner at which Jaxson’s hidden virginity is revealed to everyone, including the captivating nurse.

Even though he secretly found the ER situation hilarious, Tyler is also able to look past it to see Jaxson’s genuine nature and is drawn to the charming and hapless comic book artist. He’s tempted to pursue the inexperienced Jaxson, but a recent and life-altering decision puts a damper on his wants and desires. However, the more time they spent together, the more willing he is to take the risk of juggling his new commitments and winning Jaxon’s affections.

A large, insane, and meddlesome family, two prying co-workers, and a sexy nurse are all trying to give Jaxson a crash course in Sex Ed. Will he pass?

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As a little girl, it was always a dream for Z.B. Heller to become She-Ra Princess of Power. Since this fantasy was unobtainable, as was the one of being a Thundercat, she spent what was probably too long in college trying to “find herself.” Becoming a multimedia artist scratched the creative itch while she taught elementary and middle school. It wasn’t until the stories in her head got to be too loud for her to get anything else accomplished. Possibly was more of a psychiatric break from kids sharing all they’re mucous. Heller writes both m/f and m/m stories but believes the meaning behind it all is not the matter of gender; everyone likes a good romp in the hay. She lives in St. Louis with her husband, son and and two rabbits, Phoebe and Chloe. In her spare time (what is that?), she likes to read, stalk other authors that usually ends in restraining orders.

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