Reviewed by Chris
TITLE: The Colors Between Us
AUTHOR: Kate Hawthorne
PUBLISHER: Self-Published
LENGTH: 266 pages
RELEASE DATE: April 8, 2018
BLURB:
Roland Wilson is a haunted man.
A decade since his last successful gallery showing, Roland’s life has crumbled. Imprisoned by his own mind and taunted daily by painful memories, he finds his only comfort in drinking. With a life that has devolved into nothing brighter than variants of gray, he sees little point in his existence when a delivery boy with eyes of inspirational blue shows up at his door.
Adonis Smith wants something he can’t have.
In his mind, Adonis lives up to his name. He’s six-feet tall and built like a god, but in reality he’s just Donny—a short, nothing-special twink that no one takes seriously in or out of bed. Then he meets Roland, a beautiful, yet brash, struggling artist who is consumed by his own shortcomings. Donny knows he shouldn’t get involved with the handsome and tempestuous man, but the more Donny sees of him, the more he wants Roland to be his…for good.
A mutual inspiration.
As the feelings between the two men develop into something colorful and vibrant, it seems each has finally found what he needs. When Roland enters a spiral of self-destruction, it derails his relationship with Donny and sends them both into a tailspin. On their own, each man will need to decide if he is strong enough to stand beside the other and face the future together.
Will they be able to rediscover the best parts of each other before the colors between them fade for good?
The Colors Between us addresses what it’s like to live with depression and may be triggering for some readers.
REVIEW:
I went into this book really looking forward to it. It had some really good reviews on Goodreads, and even if having to read another book with a more dark/depressing tone right after my last book was not something to excite me I figured that at least the fate of the world was not going to be under fire in this one.
But man…this book. It was not good.
First off, there is not a whole lot of plot here, and so it had no real forward momentum for large stretches of the book. Basically Donny (a delivery man) meets Roland (an artist), finds him totally fuckable, they fuck, Roland drinks, Donny throws a fit and leaves…and then he comes back, finds Roland fuckable and then the whole thing starts all over again. The only real variable being how often and when Roland decides to drink (oh, and every so often Roland will go Psycho all over his paintings, to spice things up, I guess).
Roland is pretty much the sum total of every “tortured artist” cliche rolled together and stuffed in a vodka bottle. Donny is…well I found him to be a possessive, controlling idiot, whose life goal is to be something but heaven help me I can’t remember if he ever actually said what it was.
Oh, and Pete is Donny’s cat. We like Donny’s cat. We pretty much only like Donny’s cat.
So Roland the tortured artist and Donny the delivery guy fight and fuck and…nothing else really happens. Don’t get me wrong, I adore a good character piece that revolves around the struggles of falling in love…but this was so incredibly tedious. Neither of the characters were likable. Roland is a depressed alcoholic who is a bit too fond of taking knives to his possessions, Donny is the idiot who for some reason stays with him even though he a) has just met the guy like 24 hrs ago and b) has proof that Roland can’t be trusted.
To be frank, a lot of my issues with this book have to do with the fact that I didn’t like Donny. While I get being in a relationship with an alcoholic, especially one dealing with depression that edges into violence at times, is not easy, I never once got the feeling that Donny wanted to be with Roland because he liked him. I got the feeling that Donny is only with Roland because his is hot and famous.
“He’s cute,” Athena whispered once Roland was out of the room.
“I know,” Donny said, nodding. “I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t.”
_____
Look, I’ve been inside the guy who painted that,” Donny chuckled and pressed a kiss to Roland’s shoulder.
Donny also seems to want to be the one to step in and “save” Roland…just enough to ingratiate himself to the guy, but not enough that Roland doesn’t need him anymore.
Even if they were to reconcile in the future, how could Donny even allow it, seeing how much stronger Roland was on his own?
_____
He couldn’t bear to have confirmation of Roland’s well being, and he hated himself for that. Of course he wanted Roland happy and healthy. But he wanted Roland happy, and healthy, and in his life.
I also found myself deeply uncomfortable with how so many of their talks about their relationship revolved around the word “deserve.” More specifically what Donny deserves. Or how Roland doesn’t deserve Donny. Or what Roland is going to do to fix himself so he deserves him. While I think it is ok to believe you deserve respect from your partner, the way deserve is used in a lot of these context goes beyond that, I feel. It started to feel like Roland owed Donny simply for Donny being in his life. For Donny putting up with his shit. For Donny helping him make decisions. It didn’t quite cross the line into abusive behavior…but there was some definite red flags popping up. It probably wouldn’t have bugged me so much if it only happened once or twice…but it happened over and over and over. Nearly 40 instances of it. That is worrying.
There were also the weird bits where it felt like the book was hinting at an incestuous something between Donny and his sister, Athena, when they were growing up. At first I thought my imagination was just running away from me, but the book hints at it several times, and it gets creepier each time.
Donny closed his eyes and enjoyed the touch. He’d been drawing for years. He started sketching the arches of Athena’s high heels when they were both teenagers. There was something about the elegance and grace of the lines that had spoken to him. He’d gone from sketching her shoes to sketching her legs, then realized he shouldn’t be drawing his sister, so he started people watching at the park and drawing everyone he could.
_____
“Look at my big sister, all domestic,” Donny laughed, grabbing a slice of tomato from the cutting board. Athena swatted at his hand and glared at him.
“I’ll domesticate you,” she said to him.
“What does that even mean? That sounds a little too kinky, Athena. You are my sister.”
_____
“Anyway,” she continued, as if he hadn’t even spoken. “You were so upset when we got home from school, and you threw a huge temper tantrum on your bed, so I crawled in behind you and let you cry about it and curse me about it, then mom and dad walked in.”
Donny’s cheeks heated at the memory.
“They were so furious,” she went on. “Screaming and yelling about incest and shit.”
Donny couldn’t stop himself from laughing. Athena laughed behind him, then quieted down.
“Maybe fifteen and sixteen was too old for sibling snuggles,” Donny said soberly.
“Then what is twenty-two and twenty-three?” She asked him with more humor in her voice.
“Illegal, probably.”
They laughed again briefly and fell back into silence.
“Thank you, Athena.”
“For what?” She laid her head on top of his.
“Trying to distract me.”
“Is that what you think I was doing?” She asked, pushing herself up to a sitting position.
“Wasn’t it?” Donny sat as well, but curled himself into a ball at the other corner of the couch.
“God, no. I was just reminiscing on that time mom and dad thought we were fucking.”
I just…I can’t be the only one that finds that weird and not a little creepy. And I can’t for the life of me figure out why it is in this book. It has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. I’m not sure why the author included it. Did she want Donny to come off as a creeper? Why, I ask you? Why?!
This book was so maddening in the choices it made. Both of them acted like they’ve been in a relationship for years, but they haven’t known each other for more than a couple weeks (though the first time it happens, I think they’ve known each other maybe 24 hours, which is even more insane). I honestly couldn’t figure out why Donny stayed at first. He entrusted his sick cat to a total stranger, and when Roland gets drunk and endangers Pete, Donny is rightly pissed…but then still fucks him? Why would he stay? Except, I started to think, that Roland being such a fucking mess was exactly what Donny wanted.
There were parts of this book that I liked–the use of color in describing the things that Roland was feeling–but man was this book chock full of issues for me. I came away deeply uncomfortable about the power dynamics in this relationship, and wouldn’t be all that shocked if a year down the line Roland finds himself right where he was at the beginning of this book, only now with an abusive ass-hat for a boyfriend as well. It never really felt like any of the changes Roland made in his life were for himself. Only for Donny. Always for Donny. Anything for Donny.
And that is deeply troubling.
RATING: 
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