That simple title will have caught your attention either because a) you are a monogamist who dismisses the idea completely, or b) you are all for freedom of choice. Let me tell you that both opinions are right for those who hold them. What I want to do here is to shed some light on a topic which is overshadowed by both dogma and stigma. If we genuinely want to clear away divisions and prejudices in our society then we must include our attitudes towards monogamy too.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about ‘cheating’ which could be regarded as non-consensual. I am talking about sharing. Likewise I am not talking about polyamory either, although it does overlap and it does suffer the same prejudices.
As a writer I often get challenged by readers who cannot accept any kind of relationship other than a fully monogamous one. As an opinion related to your own life that is perfectly valid. When it becomes a prejudice imposed on others, even fictional characters, it is not valid and is discrimination.
Let’s start with some facts, however distasteful some may find them. Surveys have shown 40-50% of gay male couples agreeing that sex outside the relationship was permissible. For both lesbian and heterosexual couples that figure drops to less than 5%. Recent studies into the relationship status of gay male couples suggest that not only is the scepticism of the monogamous world unjustified, but that non-monogamous couples can actually be closer than the more faithful pairs. Interviews have led to the conclusion that non-monogamous couples are no less satisfied and that communication is better because they’ve already had to negotiate many specific details of how their relationships will function. Essentially these couples have usually negotiated a set of rules which help to preserve their relationship and at the heart of these are openness and honesty.
The simplest analysis of this behaviour speaks of avoiding the cheating and the resentment caused where individuals are unable to pursue their sexual urges. The reality may be more complex than this. Sex and love in the heterosexual world are based on the biological imperative to reproduce. With that need no longer so imperative, it should come as no surprise that some might find more recreational outlets for their needs. Love and sex are not the same thing although they are very much intertwined. Love is clearly about much more than sex and it needs to have mutual respect, intimacy, friendship and care for each other included.
Naturally the idea that a partner may want to go outside the relationship for sex can lead to emotional insecurity. Where the love is deep, there may be a desire to be all things to our significant other. Admitting to ourselves that this may not be enough can be a hard concept to accept. We need and want to be close and yet we may accept the need for some freedom and autonomy. Thus the whole thing becomes a continuous balancing act.
Despite all the positive research findings, there still exists a deeply ingrained stigma towards non-monogamous couples. Gay men have always been seen to engage in this consensual behaviour and are heavily stigmatized for it. Gay and straight people alike, assume that a consensually open relationship is somehow less valid than a monogamous one. To those in a happy and settled non-monogamous bond, that makes no sense and can be seen as offensive.
Nobody is going to say that all is easy or without its challenges. Non-monogamous unions depend on complete honesty and a set of rules. Not everyone can adhere to rules but any deviation can lead to mistrust and jealousy. I have already stated that love and sex are different, but sex is still an emotional experience and even in the most casual of transactions attachments can be formed.
Some psychotherapists believe that the ability of a gay man to live in an open relationship may rest in his early experiences with intimacy. The often solitary struggle to come to terms with one’s homosexual identity may be linked to shame and rejection or even feelings of emotional abandonment. It may be that if our early experiences have been compromised we then find it difficult to let our defences down when another adult gets too close. Freedom gives us a way of keeping some distance.
In my humble experience this may be true in some cases, but certainly not in all. If gay male couples appear to be leading the trend for sexually progressive relationships we should not be surprised we’ve grown up being excluded from traditional norms and expectations of sexual behaviour. Is it any wonder then that we’ve had to create our own norms and set new trends along the way?
I have lots of thoughts and am not inclined to share them here 🙂 Except for this one. I fail to understand why anybody feels the need to tell anyone else how to conduct their relationship(s). You can’t judge a relationship unless you live it.
Thanks for taking the time to reply Helena. How I wish your view was more commonly held! Tx
What an Excellent synopsis of a much misunderstood & mostly maligned relationship possibly! Who has the right to even question how others live & Love? I am always so thankful for books that are avaliable that illuminate a different style from “my” normal. I love to learn about others. People are fascinating and so divergent! But .. no one has the right to tell or judge another person .. NO ONE! Please keep on giving us fascinating stories that educate us too! Thank you T. J. WRITE ON!!
Many thanks for your kind words Ann. Folks like you are the reason I will keep writing! Tx
Thank you for a very thoughtful and thought provoking post. As long as all involved are of legal age, able to be consenting, and no one is being abused then their relationship(s) are no business of mine. People should be glad for others’ happiness.
Thanks Lisa. I totally agree. Tx
Love your post. My relationship is open. It’s also the strongest, most honest, loving, and longest relationship I’ve ever had.
Thanks for sharing my friend and for your kind words! Be well. Tx
Thank you for the interesting post. I don’t like it for myself and don’t think I could ever really do it. However, that being said I don’t really care how others conduct their relationship. Frankly if neither party is hurting anyone and they are both happy about the arrangement, who am I to judge?
Thanks for your honesty and kind words. It’s not for everyone nor should it be! Tx
If it works, who are we to question? In fact, who are we to question anyone on their relationship?
I have been married, monogamously, for 41 years. Our relationship is not in any way vanilla, which we have never broadcas, because it is personal and our business alone.
Same with this.
Not my business. Not my place to comment on other people’s lives
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Lyn. I agree on all points and also that it is your unassailable right to keep your personal life as private as you wish! Thanks again. Tx
I very much appreciate your point of view and agree mostly. Neither is right or wrong. Its what works for the two people involved. My husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship for over twenty years. Not because its right or wrong or because many in society frown upon open relationships, but because we choose to be monogamous. When we’re in need emotionally or physically we turn to each other. That’s what works for us. But we have friends that have open relationships and they are happy, healthy and thriving because that’s what works for them. And who are we to judge? But here’s where we disagree slightly. My husband and I have been the victims of reverse discrimination and snubbed by couples in open relationships because they think we feel morally superior, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. And by some in this very genre. As a writer, I write about what I know and what appeals to me in a romance. I write about monogamous relationships because that’s what I know and its what I want in a story. That in no way means I look down on any other type of relationship. I have always said “to each his own,” and I mean that. No one should judge the way anyone else lives.
I know exactly where you are coming from Scotty and you know as well as I do that the genre can be at least as opinionated as the rest of society. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this presumption which is clearly unjustified. I wish your open mindedness were more common my friend. Tx
This a great, thoughtful post about a topic I find fascinating. Thanks, TJ. I never walk away from your posts without something to think about.
Great post, TJ, very thought provoking both on a personal and a fictional level.
Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts. Since all of these aspects of love are represented in the genre I just keep reading to further my knowledge and hope others do the same. My hope is that someday ‘gay’ romance will be melded into the romance umbrella, etc. It’s as if, since it’s two of the same gender, it must be qualified.