This month I was reading online news about Barry Manilow coming out— speaking up about his long relationship with his husband, one that they hid for decades. They clearly made many sacrifices to stay closeted, from time apart, to necessary lies, to not sharing important public moments. And their story resonated with several of the books that I was rereading – starkly reminding me of the cost to all of us from society’s narrowness. How much we all lose, by treating some people as more acceptable than others. Both the cost to the people who are directly hurt, like Manilow and his husband Garry Kief, and the cost to the world.
Take Alan Turing – a guy whose brilliance was enough to help save Western society, but whose intellect was seen as so contaminated by his being gay, that the British government was willing to torture, break, and lose him, rather than admit a gay man had that much to offer. How many others, over the centuries, did we lose, to that idea that a person’s value is related to how well they fit the norm of society’s elite?
That applies to more than LGBTQ folk, of course. We lost the work of women composers and scientists, of people of color condemned to jobs and lives that fit them poorly, when they might have been doctors or mathematicians or teachers or painters. Of others scorned by the successful mainstream, and kept from ever showing their talents. And they paid the personal price.
For LGBTQ people, the losses from bigotry have an added dimension that’s not as obvious, tied to secrecy. To hiding. Every move made carries stress and weight, when coming out could mean losing your education, job, creative life, even freedom. And yet, unlike for most women, or people of color who were and are oppressed by social bias, hiding the LGBTQ and not coming out has sometimes been an option.
M/M is a good medium for helping people outside the community feel the impact of those less obvious costs. Our main characters let readers experience the internal and personal strains and hurts. The cost to a person’s heart, energy, and focus from keeping a double life, from lies and self-denial. The cost of pretending to be straight, or cis, knowing that everything gained from that pretense could be lost in a moment. Knowing that other people like you had failed to keep it secret, and paid. Knowing that something essential about yourself has to be denied, over and over, not three times but three hundred, three thousand, in words and actions and implications large and small. And the bitter, deadly, fatiguing need to watch yourself for slips, and take no chances without weighing the risk. The cost of deciding not to step into the dangerous light, over and over. In our books, we can show the harm that does, and how much it takes away from our main characters, and from everyone they interact with.
The people who think Barry Manilow should have “just come out” and that “no one would have cared” have very short memories. None of us have the right to judge anyone else for the choices they made, then or now, to share that part of themselves with an unaccepting world. And we have to wonder, how much did Barry, his family, and even his fans, lose by the lies and half-truths he felt compelled to live? How much of his time and energy went into the facade he created? How often did he and his husband debate, worry, anguish, quarrel, fear, and decide again and again that the time wasn’t right? How much love and time and music was lost in that battle? Unless he writes an autobiography, we may never know.
It’s a topic we see with wonderful clarity in some M/M fiction. I think our genre books are one way to broaden the understanding of readers who are not LGBTQ.
In Dead Ringer by Sam Schooler and Heidi Belleau, we see, through the eyes of his gay grandson, the fictional James Ringer, a brilliant actor of the Golden Age. A man who seemed to have it all, but whose life and work was deeply damaged by the pain of denying the love of his life. We’re reminded of the compromises and pressures on people whom the outside world saw as brilliantly fortunate and golden.
In Amy Lane’s “Johnnies” series, especially Chase in Shadow, we feel different kinds of pain of the closet. Chase can’t even admit to himself that he’s gay, because tragedy and the bigotry of his father made “faggot” the one awful, fatal thing Chase can’t be. He puts huge amounts of energy into making and rationalizing choices of all kinds, down to how he kisses his girlfriend, to not be that one thing his father hates. He’s a bright guy, thoughtful and kind, athletic, studying to be an engineer, and yet death sometimes seems better than being gay. How many Chases did we lose in real life?
M/M stories echo the real world. It’s been said that LGBTQ is the minority who most often face rejection by their very own families. We live the pain of the valedictorian violinist or cheerful athlete who goes from loved and college-bound, to selling themselves on the streets, in the sudden outlash of bigotry from their parents. In M/M we try to redeem those guys and give them hope. In real life, the teens who sell their bodies to survive far more rarely reach the HEA they deserve.
We can show readers the military men or women whose contributions to their country ended in disgrace, for something that had no bearing on their talent. How many strategists, medics, translators, leaders did our forces lose, for a policy of hate? And what about the collateral damage? The General and The Horse Lord by Sarah Black tells us about two very successful military men, one a pilot, the other who rose to become a general. They have a deep abiding love. And yet the long, secret hunger for a family, for a life in more than snatched moments, led pilot Gabriel to marry a woman he could never love as much, and have children with her. That family pays a price for being the second-best answer, the only legal answer for a man who could not be gay in the Armed Forces. How many wives (and husbands) and families suffered from the need for a beard, and the impossibility of true happiness when someone can’t be more than second-best in your heart?
Our books don’t have to be overtly political, to be relevant to the politics of today. All we have to do is tell the truth. Show the pain. Make those who haven’t experienced it, feel the pain, and just as much, the joy when it’s removed. Show the life and love and creation possible when everyone can walk openly under the sun. We have new anti-LGBTQ politicians rising into power— it’s more vital than ever to remind potential allies of the deeper, subtler and less obvious costs of bigotry, as well as the visible ones. And the value of acceptance.
I’m finding it hard to write these days. I see other authors say the same, overwhelmed by the cascading of real life disasters. But as I reread favorite books— as the talents of their authors immerse me in the cost of social prejudice to beloved characters— I’m reminded that stories change hearts and minds. So I hope we will all continue to write the books, ones that not only entertain and give people respite, but that also bring the political necessities down to the human, personal pains of men whom readers love. It’s still a job worth doing.
I definitely think m/m can help people be more empathetic…this is a beautifully argued post!
<3 I'm a big believer in the power of books, to help us see through other eyes.
Thank you for your post, Kaje. It touched me deeply. Even in the liberal country where I live there are still incidents concerning attacks on gay couples. We will have to keep fighting for equal right and the M/M community will help accomplish that. I am glad to be a part of that community.
We’re an imperfect and diverse group, but I have seen a lot of M/M readers (and authors) moving toward more active community support with each book that touches us. I have hope for us as a force for good.
Thanks for sharing your insights. A very well developed posting. Sadly, I doubt that people who could profit from learning or reading out of their comfort zone to understand things they don’t understand (yet) will do so.
You might be surprised. I have heard from otherwise conservative readers who break from their party or even their church or family on this issue, and more than one has said their opinion was changed by reading books, including M/M. While we’re never going to change someone who has no empathy, we can make people who do have compassion but have been brainwashed by religion and culture see things in a different light. My most cherished reviews are the ones that say things like “you made me think about gay marriage in a different way, and now I think they should be able to get married just like we do.”
I just read a few of the other comments and maybe I just have to think more positive and believe a bit more in other people’s ability to show empathy for fellow human beings 🙂
This is a beautiful post! Thank you for saying what I’ve thought for so long.
<3 I'm finding hope and purpose in rereading some of my favorites.
Thanks, your post indeed got me thinking :-). I agree whole heartedly. So much unnecessary suffering and loss, even unseen – as you’ve said, and I’d like to add to that. Not everyone will see the links, and it’s hard to explain, but I see a causal link from societal repression to the gay culture being embedded with feelings of victimization, guilt, and secrecy, to that directly resulting in and being played out like it did with the burst of sexual explorations and spread of AIDS, as well as many not immediately doing something about it, in the 70s and 80s. And that victim/secrecy mindset still has wide implications today in the gay culture. Ironically, even tho I’m a gay man who came out later, I also find that phenomena can sometimes be an easy out and trope used by authors to engender sympathy, without exploring the issues with more depth. But ah, when the story is told well, it can indeed open minds.
Since that was a bit long, I thought I’d ask this in separate comment: What are the one or few key things you do to avoid the trap of tropes and get beyond them?
The biggest one is to try to write about people, not themes. It’s tempting, especially now, to use the books as a soapbox, or to hammer at topics that are overworn grooves, used to engender automatic responses. I think what I do is to ask how this familiar, vital, motivating aspect plays out differently, uniquely, because of who my characters are.
Like in Amy’s “Chase in Shadow” – we have the trope of “can’t be gay because my dad hates gay people” but turned around. Chase doesn’t want to please or live up to a stern father – he hates his dad. He has no wish to get approval from his dad, or accommodate to him. He’s not living with him, or financially supported by him. And yet, past life and tragedy makes being the thing his dad would reject become deeply impossible. Chase can’t come out, and it warps him, but not for fear of losing a father’s love, or a childhood home. Because of personal unique motivations…
The thing is, there is no universal story. So you can take a worn-out trope and make it fresh by making the person living it fresh. No two gay men are the same. So no two of them live the same lives. DADT engendered a thousand damaged lives, but each in different ways. Romance should be about unique characters, and if you can create them, hopefully their story will be unique too, even if it contains universal themes.
And you have a great point, that the echoes of the past continue to reverberate in the present (although in the case of HIV sometimes not as loudly as I would wish.) I think the burst of sexual freedom in the 70s was very much a reaction to the oppression that had gone before. And the advent of AIDS, coming when it did, like a hammer on that new openness, changed things again. It was like the perfect storm, happening when it had the highest chance for spread, and yet in an era when it would be downplayed until it impacted the straight community.
As you point out, many lives lost to the more indirect effects of that history of social homophobia and repression. And that still happens – like the Tanzanian government banning the import and sale of lube in 2016, trying to make gay sex less appealing, and no doubt increasing the transmission of HIV due to traumatic sex in citizens of all genders and orientations.
I just circled back around to see about replies, and want to extend my heartfelt thank you for taking the time to reply, not just once, to answer my question (a super reply, btw!), but also to comment further about my long-winded comment, and how there are still battles to win. Again, thx.
I am newer to m/m but have really enjoyed it. Please, keep writing. Keep being a great advocate. I live in Canada and know how lucky I am, but we still have a long way to go.
Thanks. And we are all one world with voices that cross borders (even if you’re pretty darned lucky with Canada.) Thanks for raising your voice too.
Wonderful post and eloquently put. I started off reading yaoi manga and loved it. But when i got into m/m fiction it just opened up my mind to the possibilities and definitely made me realize just how real these stories/situations could or does mimic real life. I love that authors are advocating issues or just giving those who need reassurance that its alright to be who you are and live a fulfilling life.
I’m glad the fun of yaoi also led you to us.
My hubby keeps asking me why I am so fascinated by the m/m genre…and it’s tough for me to pinpoint, but I think part of it is seeing the struggles experienced by the characters and seeing that (hopefully) there is light at the end of the tunnel for them. I am often dismayed by the truth behind so many of the stories but uplifted by the fictional solutions and hopeful that some folks truly get their HEA. I appreciate you and the other great authors who both expose some of the inequities and inspire us to strive for a better world and I hope that you continue to share your voice with all of us.
I’m glad you’re finding characters to love, and hope for them, in the books. <3
There has been at least two studies about the topic for Africa and India:
* http://www.economywatch.com/features/The-Hidden-Cost-of-Homophobia-in-Africa1016.html
* http://www.euractiv.com/section/development-policy/opinion/the-development-costs-of-homophobia/
* https://web.archive.org/web/20140618081528/http://www.worldbank.org/content/dam/Worldbank/document/SAR/economic-costs-homophobia-lgbt-exlusion-india.pdf
* http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/20/opinion/the-price-of-homophobia.html?_r=1
Interesting reading.
Those are some interesting reports, and it’s heartening to see journalists talking about the topic and putting things into language that might shift people for whom compassion alone is not enough – thank you.
Beautiful post. No one who reads the recent news about what is happening to gay men in Chechnya can think that the persecution and the intolerance is at an end.