If you are a reader, please skip this. (Especially if you’re a Brandon Witt reader.) This is for fellow authors.
And, dear reader, I know you’re still here. Because you’re like me. If someone tells me not to do something, “Fuck them! I’ll do whatever I want!” I’m glad you have that personality, it makes me like you more. Now, please quit reading.
In all seriousness, I do hate for readers to read this blog. I can’t stand when I see authors complaining and bitching all the time. It turns people off. It turns readers off. It turns me off. However, maybe you’ll offer me the out of just ‘being real’ or some shit. Please do.
Now, on to the bitching…
I’m in one of the darkest times (mentally) of my writing career. Only equaled to the years I spent getting rejection letters. In some ways, many, many ways, this is much better than that—I’m published, I’m living my dreams! In other ways, it’s worse—The dream is hard, WAHAHAH! (yeah, I know, poor me)
I’ve gone back and forth about writing this post for weeks now. Why not write it? I don’t want to turn off readers.
Why write it? Maybe it will resonate with other authors. I’m sure it will, some of you. AND, lest you think I’m proclaiming to be self-flagellating for the benefit of others, the bottom line is, I just need to get it off my chest. It may not change anything, even the feelings, but still. I’m a hedonist in all things, even bitching, it seems.
I pictured saving this post until circumstances are different and I’m in a better/more successful place and I could write a post about that time in my writing career when the darkness threatened to overtake me and offer encouragement to all the peons who happened to be where I once was. Hello, ideations of grandeur.
So, this is to all you peons. You may bow to me now. I am the peon king. King of fools. (All I really mean by this is, if you as a writer relate to this, you’re in good company. Well, I guess that’s subjective. You’re in company. My company. You’re not alone.)
When I got my first publishing contract, I didn’t expect a billion dollars. I didn’t expect a movie deal. I didn’t expect to have enough sales to support my habit of eating and living. (Did I have those self-aggrandized fantasies from time to time? Yeah, you bet. Still do.)
However, neither did I foresee having seven novels and other smaller works published and still not making it close to the poverty line, and no, I’m not exaggerating. I didn’t expect to open a royalty check when I’ve had consecutive releases and cry. I didn’t expect to reach my dream of writing full time and having continuous works published and feel like a failure.
(Timeout—this is what I didn’t want you to read, dear reader. Remember I warned you. It ain’t pretty.
Timeout #two—You’re all very kind, readers and writers alike. However, please don’t comment on how great I am or how wonderful my books are or that I’m a swell guy, yada yada yada. I appreciate all of that, but it’s missing the point. And I’m truly not writing this to have my ego stroked. I’m writing this, like I said, to get this off my chest. To put it out into the world so that maybe I can climb over this current slump. To remind authors, who might be in a similar spot that I’m over here waving in the pit, letting you know I’m in the deep with you!)
There are many authors out there who say they don’t write for money. And that’s wonderful. AND, I made the choice to be an author who does. A fantasy driven, unrealistic dreamer of a choice, ill-logical choice, to try to survive on writing alone. I was the fool. And I knew it at the time. AND, I’d make that choice again, in a heartbeat. The past year of writing full-time has been the best year of my life. Even with the terror. It surpassed how wonderful I’d thought it would be a billion times over. I’d do it again with even less thought than I did the first time. Even if this is the only year I get to have that privilege. And it is a privilege, one that so few get. I know I’m crazy, crazy lucky.
All true.
AND
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I mange to stay out of 99% of the drama that wracks or community. (And I’m an irritable SOB at heart, so keeping my mouth shut and temper in check is a FULL time job, let me tell you.) I’m become a social media guru. At least more than I ever dreamed or wanted to be. I spend hours and tons of money on promotions, ads, blog tours, graphics. I try to be as transparent as I can so that readers get to know the real me, with my opinionated side diluted. I’ve listened to those wiser and more stable and successful than myself. I’ve done everything as perfectly as I can, and done so tirelessly. (None of this is said to brag or pat myself on the back. You other writers have done all of this, too. And more, I’ve no doubt.) So many of us are playing by the rules while also unabashedly pushing boundaries and fighting for what we want and for what we believe.
Where has that left me? In a place where I can’t point to something and say, “There! That’s where you screwed up. It’s your fault. Or this is what you need to fix. Or, if only you were doing such-and-such better.
And in the absence of those things, again I ask, where has that left me? Looking at my writing and saying, “Obviously, I’m not a good enough writer. I’m not giving people what they want.” …….
“I’m a failure.”
Even as I type that, tears are coming.
Again, don’t respond with encouragement or compliments. That’s not why I’m laying my heart bear, here. I have less painful ways of getting an ego boost. I say this, because I’m willing to bet a lot of you, my peers, whom I love and admire, feel this way too. At least in moments.
I’ve expressed all that I’ve just written to several others of my trusted writing cohorts. Ones that are in the same place as me. Others that are much more successful than me. Most often, I hear that time is needed. That I simply need more time and more books. And I believe it. At least I believe that those are the only shots I have at this changing.
I’ve been on panels and radio shows where I’ve been introduced as a veteran writer. I’ve seen myself referred to in print as an established novelist. I’ve had several other authors comment about how they hope to be as successful as me. And each time, I literally look around wandering who the fuck they’re talking about. Maybe they simply see me online and think my presence there shows my success. (Not-so-secret-secret—I don’t post my fears on line all of the time. I don’t post the one star reviews (unless they’re hilarious). I don’t post the numbers of my royalty check. Nor do I think any of us should. That’s not being disingenuous. It’s just being smart to your brand, and, like I said before–people that whine on social media all time are the first ones I un-follow. I don’t want to be that person.)
There’s two major fall-outs of this dark place that I’m in. One, feeling like a failure. Not fun. If you’re a writer or some other type of dreamer/artist, I’m certain you know exactly what I’m talking about. The other, and the part that scares me the most, the reason I’m so desperate to expunge this from my psyche as soon as possible, is that it devours my ability to determine if my art is good or not. I can’t tell if all the books I’ve written that aren’t published yet and the books I’m working on currently are progressing, if they’re lyrical, if they’re art, or if they’re just crap. That scares me more than anything. Even more than not ever ‘making it.’ I’d rather not make it and know my work is good than not knowing if what I’m pouring my soul into has merit or not.)
Honestly, I think I could go on for hours and hours, pages upon pages, before I truly got all of this out of me. Maybe that’s not even possible. So, again, this is an open letter to you other authors out there. To those of you who are making it, I look up to you and admire you, and have some hope knowing that chances are high that you still feel like this too, at least from time to time. To the rest of you, I know it may not help, and I know it’s for sure not the help you want, but maybe you’ve been feeling some of this. Maybe you thought it was just you. I don’t have a lick of advice. Nada. But, I can wave so that you know you’re not in the darkness alone. And, know this, especially if you’re a new author and have seen a lot of drama in your time in our genre. Yeah, there’s a lot of drama and a lot of shit. Welcome to the world. We’re human. But, please hear this. The VAST majority of authors I’ve met and witnessed, I’m talking 99.9% here, believe in building each other up, in sharing successes, in hoping to break that glass ceiling—not just for themselves but to help bring the rest of us up. So while we may be in the darkness (for a moment. . . for who knows how long) we are surrounded by people who are good, beautiful, and kind. When my heart can’t grasp anything else, I hold onto that.
So, dear writer, you’re not alone. Please keep fighting and dreaming with me. I want to be in this battle with you! And I want our hands to be entwined when we finally shattered that glass ceiling.
Brandon Witt’s outlook on life is greatly impacted by his first eighteen years of growing up gay in a small town in the Ozarks, as well as fifteen years as a counselor and special education teacher for students with severe emotional disabilities. Add to that his obsession with corgis and mermaids, then factor in an unhealthy love affair with cheeseburgers, and you realize that with all those issues, he’s got plenty to write about…
Website: http://www.brandonwitt.com
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OMG… have you been reading my mind?
Thank you. I know this struggle. I didn’t come into writing for fame and glory, and I’m lucky not to need the income. There has been so much drama lately I’ve become scared of offending people. I just like telling a story. I’ve shed a few tears as well. We don’t know each other, even on line, but hugs anyway.
Yup. Almost word for word. Thank you for writing that, your timing is impeccable. Looking forward to shattering that glass ceiling with you, Brandon!
Oh GODS I’m so there with you! I still believe in my writing. I know I’m a good storyteller, I just tell the wrong stories. I’ve been advised to research the Amazon #1 lists and write what sells. Unfortunately my muse doesn’t work that way. I guess it’s the difference between making art and running a business. I sincerely hope you start doing well very soon. I hope we all do.
Yes. Yes. Oh, and… wait for it…. YES! No encouragement or words of wisdom here. Just… yes. Oh, and a hug. Because I like giving you hugs. So sue me. 😉
Thank you for sharing that. I know it couldn’t have been easy.
You aren’t alone.
7 books, try 70+ to start earning money. If you really want to earn money writing, wait until you’re dead.
It’s not impossible to make money writing, but what are you trying to replace? Is earning enough to pay your $200 car payment making it for you. Maybe your grocery bill is $600 a month for your family of 5 and you only have $300 for groceries and making $300 a month writing is enough. Or if you need to make $900 a month and consider that making it. Many authors are in that type of situation and they post that they are very happy with what they’ve earned. Each situation is different, and it will take a different number of books for every author to earn what they think is the right amount of money.
Authors of gay fiction will never earn what an author of MF fiction has the potential to earn. The market just isn’t there. Even if everyone who reads gay fiction buys your book, it will never be what a MF author could earn out, not that all MF authors earn a lot either, it’s about potential and the numbers just aren’t there in gay fiction to match the MF audience.
When you look at the bestsellers on Amazon, even the #1 in gay rarely gets into a spot where they are selling close to what the #1 in romance is selling. Yes, there are people who make enough writing, but none of us know what they enough is.
Yes, a million times yes 🙂 How to put yourself out there–how much is too ,much, are people getting tired of seeing my posts, rolling their eyes and saying “Not again!”–been there, done that. I’ve been through the days when I’m lucky to drag one complete sentence out and put it down. You’ve shined a light on the one thing all of us have in common at one time or another. Thank you 🙂
When I made the leap to “full-time writer,” it was with the huge safety net of a husband with an excellent IT career and a pocket full of web-design clients I just couldn’t abandon (or let abandon me). Maybe it’s a byproduct of years of struggling to raise my kids alone, but I can’t make financial/career leaps without plan b thru z in the works.
I thought I would feel more confident knowing those cushions were in place, but the terror was real and with nine books on the market, it hasn’t abated one little centimeter. The reality that I’m not only not contributing to my household, but that my writing career isn’t even sustaining itself, makes me sick. When I have to borrow from the personal to pay a business expense—taking away from my family, no more how encouraging and supportive they are—I wonder how I ever thought this was a good idea.
With ever book, I try to pinpoint what I’m doing wrong, what I might be doing right, and try to come up with some magical formula to take me from this first wrung to the next. And like you, when someone refers to me as if I’ve somehow reached some higher level, I look behind me and search for who they’re actually talking about.
If I knew that magic formula, I’d take out billboards so we could all apply it. If you find it, I hope you’ll share it. In the meantime, I’m with you, trudging along, aiming for the next wrung and the brass ring. The words are too important to give up.
Thank you for writing this. I am in a similar boat. I am coming up on nine months of writing full-time and facing the very real possibility of having to get another job (again). While I can pay the bills with my writing at the moment, that is only because my bills are minimal. After my divorce my parents were kind enough to allow me to live with them rent-free and pursue this. There is absolutely no way I can move out with what I make now. I am reaching a point where I need to make the decision about what to do next. Best of luck to you and thanks for the encouragement. I think discussing subjects like this is the only way we can all emotionally support each other.
THANK YOU. I have this post – or one damn close to it – in my Drafts folder. Too embarrassed / scared / reserved to post it. I suppose I’ve been saving it for my “why I’m bowing out of publishing books while I still have grace and dignity” time. I’ve always worked another job(s) as well as writing, and I know over 80% of authors are said to be in the same position all their lives. And I don’t necessarily expect to support me and my family on my writing – the point about expectations being relative is very true. But $300 a month from writing would actually be marvellous :(.
A writing career goes through many stages – writing for fun, the thrill of publishing, the excitement of earning royalties, the wonderful friends you make, the conventions and travel, the full Amazon Author page… but it’s a moveable feast, and so are an author’s ambitions. I’ve always believed the really important thing is to be honest with yourself, every step of the way – with what you write, how you write it, who reads it. And what you *want* from it all. At the point where the fun and buzz of writing and sharing is outweighed by my disappointment in not reaching enough readers (though I refuse to call it “failure”, just not enough success!) – well, that’s maybe the time for me to withdraw and/or regroup.
Like you, I’m not asking for people to tell me how fab I am – on a *very good* day I’ll agree I write a darn good book LOL – and I can never thank friends and supporters enough for the joy they’ve given me in the last 10 years. I NEVER resent anyone else’s success, and wish every other author all the best, they’re working hard too. But if whatever *I’m* doing isn’t working well enough, isn’t bringing me the sales and positioning I’d like to have – how long do I keep flogging that not-dead-yet-but-feeling-pretty-sick horse? I might as well get a job outside the home and return to writing short stories for fun. And I *don’t* mean that to sound bitter, just pragmatic.
Thank you for posting this, I do appreciate you shining the spotlight on it in a calm but heartfelt way.
Thank you, Brandon. I’m right there with you – and as you say, the only way to try to crack this is to keep trying to crack this… It can be so very difficult to find the heart to keep going. But let’s do so if we possibly can.
First, I love you. That’s all. I’m not going to stroke your anything.
But yeah, publication has turned into who can make the most noise. Who can get their stuff banned from whatever so they can generate controversy. Drama and controversy sell books. So, I’m one of those people who has a great day job and doesn’t write for the money. I wrote for therapy – therapy I don’t need anymore. I now have everything I never knew I wanted.
Writing is more work than fun now, and I don’t make enough money in royalties to justify the time spent anymore. While I can’t empathize with the fear you must experience trying to make rent on shifting sand – the rest, that I understand.
Thank you for writing this. I feel like a failure from time to time. It doesn’t matter if a book ranks high, the money is not there. When you invest in the editor and cover, there’s a deep cut from the royalties. The drama in the genre is upsetting. I’m just going to write.
You really aren’t the only one who feels this. I think way more of us do, than ever let on. Hang in there.
*Waving back to you in the darkness*
<3
I can relate especially to not knowing if my art is good enough/wanted/worthy because sales are low. I know a lot of people say "write for yourself' and all but I think writers are nothing without readers and it is really hard to make art without an audience sometimes. Self doubt sucks, and not in a good way!
I'll keep trying, though 🙂 Hope you do, too.
Thank you for saying it out loud. I know it hasn’t been easy to admit how you feel, but maybe it helps to write about it.
I know you’ll get through this dark time and come out stronger than before. *hugs*
Hanging in there with you. The market seems to be squeezing us authors harder and harder. All we can do is keep writing and try to avoid the drama, while hoping the pennies will add up to more and more so we can get on with life as well as continue writing. And have a hug anyway, because hugs are nice.
I write for money. I don’t really have much choice. I have some contract work I do on audiobooks, but that’s it. I *can’t* work. I am officially unemployable and do not qualify for disability. So, I write for money.
I totally get the terror. I greet my royalty statements with equal parts excitement and terror. I’ve received more than a few that have made me cry (in the bad sense).
And the bigger part is every time I sit down to write, the fact that I have to earn money on it makes writing that much harder. 🙁 I totally TOTALLY get it.
So… *hugs*
You are not alone. Thank you for your bravery and honesty in posting, Brandon.
When I see other authors killing it on social media or getting tons of reviews for their books, and then I see my sales numbers, I feel like a failure. I say exactly what you’ve said to yourself, that I’m not a good enough writer, that I don’t know how to give people what they want. While I wish that things were going better for you, I take a little bit of solace knowing that I’m not alone in this, that we are all struggling in some way.
This is my first year of writing full-time, and most of my income has to come from non-fiction writing gigs. I am keeping hope alive for all of us. Each new book is another bit of momentum. Just keep swimming.
We’re going through what I think the entire entertainment industry is going through in large part. Think on a grander scale issues surrounding people like Taylor Swift, Adele, Beyonce…putting their shit out in a very controlled manner so that a) music services like Spotify don’t pay then pennies on the dollar for having their music played, and or having their work pirated and played on YouTube.
It is effecting us, I think, through KU and of course piracy. And you would also have to consider the absolute saturation in the literary world at the moment with Amazon publishing. Anyone can publish, now. And anyone does.
I’ve been in that boat. Disgusted at what I’ve seen and the 23 dollar quarterly checks. But *shrug* that doesn’t mirror my talent. And it doesn’t mirror yours.
Content used to be king, now it’s technology. And that sucks for writers of not only books but of music.
The only thing I can think of would be to unionize.
You have been reading my mind. Everything you said I agree with. As I told a couple if friends, I’ll just keep writing. The muses won’t allow me to quit, so I’ll keep telling the stories and learn to write better along the way.
Thank you for this post. Sharing
What they all said up there *nods to the others*. You aren’t alone, Brandon.
I’ve read your books. You’re not, and never will be, a failure. But at the moment authors are being squeeeeeeeezed tight. Maybe it’s our genre, maybe it’s because we’re not shiny and new any more.
I have no answers, just a total understanding. I’m lurching from one financial crisis to another and taking on more work to deal with it.
It’s been seven years of writing and publishing for me, and I’m still a failure. When I release a title these days, I assume I will make no money from it. Otherwise, I’d go stark raving mad!
I’ve pretty much given up trying to reach my “audience.” I write for my own enjoyment and expect nothing. It’s the only way I can survive. I could have written this blog, and come to think of it, I did, some months or even years ago.
Writing, like growing old, is not for sissies.
Thank you for writing this post Brandon.
YES! I’ve been through this with my twenty year art career and I am in this with my three year writing career. I think feeling like a failure comes with the territory of being creative. All writers and artists doubt and struggle to get a foot on the ladder. It smarts when we play by the rules, and yet those who don’t become successful.
I don’t write for the money, or kudos of saying I’m a writer, I only told my family about my writing 6 months ago, and they don’t know my pen name or genre. I write because I am compelled to, every day.
With my art career I did ‘all the right things’. I achieved many successes,
some commissions paid really well, and have an impressive art resume to boot, however, the nature of creative work doesn’t equate to a consistent income. So, I chose to be a full time writer- my second career with just as little chance of a consistent income. Why would anyone do that to themselves? I struggled for a long time before i decided to write full time. It scared the hell out of me, but i just could not stop writing, and so gave in.
When it comes down to the nitty gritty, I think we all need to ask ourselves if we could walk away from our writing. If you can walk away and get a job that pays the bills and makes you happy, fine. But if you find your happiness in your work, no matter that you will never make a million from writing, then hang in there, you are not alone.
Hugs.
Validation matters. I think we all like to think we don’t need it, but it’s part of the human condition. And for a writer? Really, when it comes down to it, there’s no more solid validation than seeing the royalty statement.
Or, y’know, the opposite of validation.
(Hug). I completely understand.
By “fun” coincidence, I got my royalty statement for my novella today. Maybe when the next one comes, if I put both of them together, I can treat us both to a cup of coffee and commiseration.
I think you are very brave to talk openly about something that hurts many authors. The excitement of being published, too quickly becomes ‘that was quite a lot of work for that!’ I’m lucky I don’t rely on my royalties for anything. I have great admiration but concern for those who do. We are many, in a fairly fixed niche market. You are NOT a failure we need to accepted generally in the romance market. Keep going you may still become the first Nora Roberts of the LGBTQ writers!
Oh, boy. I wish I didn’t know what this feels like, but…as so many others have said, “You’re not alone.” I know that doesn’t help. Hey, you’re feeling shitty…but so are we!
I’ve got nothing except thanks for writing this post. I stopped writing a couple of years ago when I went through a personal crisis I won’t bore you with here, and it’s so hard trying to get back into it when, if my past “career” is anything to go by, I won’t make enough £££ to cover even the smallest household bill. I make more in ONE HOUR at my day job than I do at writing/publishing. I’ve had cheques that weren’t even sent out because they didn’t reach the minimum payout level for that publisher. I’ve made three figures (in pounds sterling) three times in my career, all in release months, all in 2011. And we’re talking low three-figures. I’ve spent more on writing gear (Chromebook, Scrivener software, etc) than I’ve made from my books.
Sorry; I didn’t mean to go all “Me, me, me.” My (I hope) not-too-failtastic way of sympathising.
I’m glad you wrote this post. Couldn’t have been easy, my brother. Thank you for it.
Thanks. I think I needed to read that. I’m about ready to give up.
I was told today to never say I have failed. To look in the mirror and state something I have achieved, however small, to keep repeating my successes to myself day after day until I believe more in those than in my failure. I have no idea if this will work but at least it is a positive step.
Positive steps are easier to take accompanied by a big cheque!
Big when no big cheque is forthcoming congratulate yourself on getting out of bed this morning.
And find something to make you smile 🙂
Writing is a dream. But when you need the money to live that can make the dream so hard. And yet to be a writer is a dream so many have, so when we’re doing it, when we’re having success, we aren’t supposed to talk about what that success isn’t.
How do we define ourselves as successful? Do our novels have to sell, or is our own belief and that of the publisher enough? How do we ever feel secure enough to be introduced as a veteran author? How do we ever feel successful enough when “success” is often barely not even the poverty line in terms of real dollars?
You know you’re not alone here.
Brandon, you are using many words (perhaps too many) to describe the effects of a simple fact: the day has 24 hours. To put it differently: reading books hasn’t become easier, and it hasn’t become more popular. Writing books, on the other hand, has become much easier, and also more popular. There are more books out there now that compete for the few hours that people have to read, perhaps ten or hundred times as many books (and there are writers out there who are proud to write 500k words per year—shame on them—quantity beats everything. Little wonder that the average book sells less and less. That’s all. There are no other secrets, and there’s no need to pour your heart out.
People who write 500k words a year are perfectly capable of writing quality. I’m tired of the assumption that people who write fast write rubbish. Writing is a muscle; it gets stronger with use. I’m willing to bet a 500k-words-per-year author is making more money than I am, someone who has stopped altogether. More books, more chance to make money. And forcing oneself to write artificially slowly just to make the words somehow better doesn’t work. A bad writer is bad when they write slowly, and a good writer is good (and stands a chance of getting even better) when they write fast. Quality and speed are not mutually exclusive.
Really, Scarlett, please think through what you are saying. Do you really intend to say that there is no tradeoff between quantity and quality? Why then not write 2 million words per year? Or five million? How come that many of the best authors take years to write a book? Take Hemingway, for example, who’s generally viewed as a fairly prolific author: Her published 7 books of fiction during his life, over a period of 26 years (two more were published posthumously). Virginia Woolf published 9 over a period of 26 year. Kafka published three novels. Donna Tartt has published three novels so far—her first, “The Secret History” took her 10 years to write. You think “The Secret History” could have been written in six months?
Every single day. It’s not just while creating, but in all aspects of life that feeling like a failure hurts down to the soul. It’s a beautiful thing, how it ebbs and flows like the tide, sloshing into your whole life. That feeling taints everything. I’m not a writer but I’m not sorry I read this. Like so many others, everything you said, I feel too. I used to make jewelry. I’ve designed less than a dozen pieces in the last 5 years or so and I haven’t made anything at all in 6 months. So here is another person who is waving back.
No I’m not a writer and I know this wasnt for readers eyes but like you said tell me not to do something and I probably will. Im not gonna tell you how much I love and enjoy your work cause I know that’s not what you wrote this for. All I’m going to do is send you as much positive energy I can and virtual big hugs. This goes to all the authors I’ve read and enjoyed and to hopefully the many more I get to discover.
“The other, and the part that scares me the most, the reason I’m so desperate to expunge this from my psyche as soon as possible, is that it devours my ability to determine if my art is good or not.”
^^^This made me actually tear up. I’ve been at this full-time for 18 months, and the fear is crippling. The money fear makes the fear of whether or not I have the chops (I once thought I had, but now I’m not so sure) bigger, louder, and more slavering in the deep shadows of my creativity. It’s like having a rabid dog on your heels, never knowing when that sting of a bite will land.
Thank you for writing this.
First of all, sorry, but you’re wonderful and I love you. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say it.
Secondly, if I wasn’t lucky enough to be a work at home mom, I’d be in the exact same spot. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Sadly, I think it’s indicative of a dying market. I don’t even like to think about market saturation and the devaluation of the arts, but it’s definitely affecting the monetary side if things. All I can say is good luck, do your best, try to love what you do.
I could have written this, and honestly…some of what you express is precisely why I will soon be returning to life as a practicing attorney. Because my student loans won’t pay themselves. I’ve been told that I’m doing everything right, I have rave reviews, I’ve got a few valuable fans who promote me with every breath they take and still…nothing. I won’t give up the dream but I’m going back to my first love – the law – to find my mojo again.
I’m right there with you. Thank you so much for sharing with us. It’s good to know we’re not alone, though the realization still hurts like hell.
My muse left because I’m such a big failure. 50+ books, 3 pen names, have written for 10 epublishers, including the “big ones”. I’m pulling my books back, self-publishing them, and the only way my muse even wants to come back is in a new genre, one without sex, and when sex sells, and you can’t even sell that….well I’m trying really hard not to tell my muse to go away again. I feel for you. Offering a beverage of your choice and a hug, and I wish I had answers because I don’t.
I’m dreaming with you.
Thanks for writing this and sharing it with us.
I’m so there with you! I’ve been super lucky to be able to make a living as a full time writer – until now. For some reason, and I kill myself trying to figure out why, book sales have plummeted. Like seriously plummeted to the point where I’m making about 20% of what I used to earn before. I have no idea what changed. I still get good reviews from my loyal readers. I guess it’s good I’m not getting hate mail or one star reviews *knock wood*, but it also makes it harder to figure out if I’m doing something wrong, or I’m just buried in the heap of other writers out there. I just published my 30th book. 30. Three-oh! I should be able to make a living with 30 books out, when I was able to make one with ten books out, shouldn’t I? Instead, I’m looking at going back to work and calling myself a failure with my inside voice and trying to keep a happy smile on the outside. But all I can do is keep writing, right?
I received a royalty payment of $0.58 this week. The only thought I’d allow myself to think was “Well, someone read whatever book it was that sold.” Thank God I have an understanding husband.
Thanks so much for posting this. It’s like one big therapy session up in here… in a good way. I’m not even trying to make it as a fulltime writer but I’ve had exactly the same thoughts and doubts and feelings as everyone else is expressing. I feel less alone now!
First, let me say that I am one of those defiant readers who kept on reading the post 🙂 – and I want to thank you for it. You, and a lot of your colleagues who have commented on this post, are among some of my auto-buy authors, and it makes me sad to know that I’m getting so much entertainment while you all are struggling. It also gives me a greater appreciation for the work you all do and encourages me to continue telling my friends about the wonderful world of MM romance, and comment on books I like to help them gain traction. My hope is that this will get better and the genre will continue gaining popularity in our constantly-evolving world of equal rights for all (unless you live in NC, etc.). But I also know that trying to make a living in the days of pirating and Amazon Unlimited and such cannot be easy. So, a big (((cyber hug))) from a reader who tells you at the risk of further defiance: you ARE a good writer, and I will continue to buy your books. I hope things turn around for you soon. Thank you for the hours of entertainment.
Thanks, not only to you for writing this post, but for everyone else who’s commented. I often wonder if more experienced writers feel the same way I do. I can’t say I’m glad any of you feel this crappy, but I am glad that the way I feel isn’t wrong, or strange.
As a reader all I want to offer is ((((((((((((BIGSQUISHYHUGSTOALLTHEAUTHORS))))))))))))
I can’t even say how much this struck me today. I’m in tears writing this comment because this is literally where I’m at right now. This is the post I’ve been trying to keep off Facebook to not be “that person.” This is the feeling that’s been making me think “this book, this one I’m writing right now, is going to be the last I publish before I just stop.” Of course, it probably won’t be, I’ll keep writing and the need in me to share will have me publishing, but gosh I feel this. So hard. And it does make me wonder if it’s worth it. At what point do you give up on the ultimate dream and declare yourself a failure? How long do you push for thar dream when all that happens is the dream pushes back, trips your over, and leaves you crying on the floor.
Good post that resonates with me, big time, and I see with so many others as well.
Thank you
Thank you. No, seriously, thank you! I’m a new author and I already feel like a failure, and I needed to hear these words. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone in this, which I already knew, but hearing these words just confirmed it for me. It’s not a pretty place to be. My goal once was to be a full time writer, but I know that won’t happen, especially not in Australia and especially not when the market is the way it is. You made me cry while I read this and my brain is all jumbled, I don’t even know how to express my thankfulness that you wrote this. You don’t know me, but if I saw you in street, I’d be the person to hug you tightly and whisper in your ear, ‘thank you’. Of course, then you’d probably call the police on me. But for the umpteenth time: thank you <3
First of all hugs to all the Pretty writers (& all the naughty readers who read this… good for you!) I truly believe we are changing world with what we write in our beloved rainbow genre.
I’ve had this conversation a number of times with other writers.
Failure is a strong word. I ask you to examine the measurements you’re judging yourself on. What’s your priority? To make a living or to write the song in your heart? (Yes, of course the answer is you want both… however, pick one.) You need to identify that top priority that work to it.
If you’re writing for money then you may not have the option to write the song in your heart (or at least not every time you write). You pick up the Writer’s Market and you write to the trends that are earning money. Writing is your job. You need to treat it as one. You do all the things you’re supposed to you write every day, you social media, you promote, you work on improving your writing, etc… But when one is writing for money you might need to leave your comfort zone and seek out a new target audience. (BTW I’ve seen a couple friends do this and have seen very good results… granted they aren’t writing what’s burning inside of them, but they are getting nice royalty checks).
If you’re writing the story you must tell… then your success metric shouldn’t be what’s in your royalty check. It should be if you’ve told the story to the best of your ability or if you’ve touched someone with your words (but of course if you worked with a publisher you need to make sure they get back the investment they put in you). So if this is your priority and you aren’t writing to the market trends in genre that tends to see lower royalties why are you judging yourself by money?
In a perfect world you’d write your heart song and a million copies of your book would sell and you’d get a sweet movie deal. (I truly hope each one of you gets your heart’s desire!)
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. We’re in charge of our next chapter… how we write it is up to us.
Much love and many hugs to all,
Z. Allora
You’re not doing anything wrong. Most writers make under $10K per year (and I’ve only had one year where I broke that with my writing.) There’s just too much competition and – as in any creative endeavor – talent and hard work are not enough. You need luck, too.
Yeah, we all write for some reason BESIDES money, but we need to make a living, too, and writing takes a lot more time than non-writers imagine. We can’t afford to write for free as the parasites think we should. And yeah, I despise those thieves who don’t think they should ever have to pay for a story. If they feel that way, they should write their own.
Hang in there!
Brandon, yes, exactly.
I left the genre because the sales just weren’t there. I wrote two novels, one sold decent and the other didn’t, and the advice I got from some friends in high places is “there’s not enough sex, people like to read for the sex but rarely admit it.” and that’s just not in me.
I have never written anything to “sell well” nor would I ever. I write from my heart and it seems like a good chunk of people don’t want to read heartfelt novels. They want to read the same popcorn novel that has been rehashed 100x with generic guy a generic guy b and lots of hot sex with minimal mental stimulation.
Not to say that ALL books in the genre which sell well are like that, but a good majority.
You write with your heart and it shows – unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be too much of a market for that.
I won’t spend the rest of this post telling you how brilliant of an author you are…but I will end with a compliment. At the end of the day…at least you’re sexy so you’d probably make a lot doing porn. 😛
I kid, I kid……..
When I think of this, which is every hour that has a number in it, I think of a line from Firefly.
“May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one …”
Or this.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and sill lose. That is not a weakness that is life.”
That comes from Star Trek and then my personal favorite.
“Life is not fair, no one gets out alive.”
If you get hit for writing this there is no god, because every writer I know, including myself, have felt it.
Wow! It seems we all feel similar. No surprise there. Thank you all for taking the time to comment and share–it’s nice that some of you expressed that you feel a little less alone. I’m glad. Thanks to all of you for sharing your hearts, experiences, and passion. Much love to all of you!
I’m the reader that didn’t stop when advised to…. we all have that touch of rebel in us. I certainly can’t understand personally what you and your peers are currently going through but I certainly have the empathy to feel and appreciated the darkness which can feel all encompassing. What makes you a writer is also your worst enemy; your inner thoughts and/or monologue, your imagination, your empathy, understanding and the knowledge of being only human.
Not only are you beating yourself up to be better, see better, do better, emulate your peers; yada yada yada; you are subjected to every negative comment a faceless entity; safely ensconced in their own sky castle and impervious behind a screen of anonymity; makes, with no fear of retribution.
You are subjected to the increasingly complex industry of marketing yourself as a brand and this takes time, energy, money and then leaves you with a shredded soul.
You are subjected to corporate greed with the sole aim of squeezing you for every cent they can from your hard earned rewards *cough* while demanding more of your heart blood…..and a piece of flesh….and your first born child… and your soul, contractually given with your own life-blood’s signature.
Every time you turn around, there is more advice, more ways of promoting yourself, more friends to keep in touch with, etcetera etcetera …having a life?? …not in this lifetime.
Some idiot back in the 70’s stated, with some degree of authority in hard copy print, that computers would give us more leisure time…. I do so wish I could find that prophet of an enlightened age and eviscerate them….
I understand why you don’t wish to be subjected to platitudes but from this side of the screen, it’s all I can offer. I also know that black hole and only the depth changes.
My thoughts are with you
Liz
Here is one link to the statment above…worth reading for it’s humour value
https://books.google.com.my/books?id=sWeKU3wFLREC&pg=PA3&lpg=PA3&dq=computers+will+give+us+more+leisure+time&source=bl&ots=3hDyvlbvQq&sig=vCXkXPaKA8MrOQ_epsC18W1VX2w&hl=en&sa=X&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=computers%20will%20give%20us%20more%20leisure%20time&f=false
Yeah, I’m a failure. It’s hard to come to terms with. I’ve had different aims and I’m a different position than you, but share much of what you say. I believe in my writing, in spite of 20c to offset expenses; even so, it’s tough to go onwards with it, once you have been through/faced up to your own version of failure. I’m still in the ‘come to terms’ stage. Cheers.
I don’t know if it makes things better (or worse…) but I really don’t think this is an m/m situation. I write m/f romance as well, and my m/m stuff generally outsells the m/m by quite a bit (assuming equivalent pricing, etc.). And I can’t even get my non-romance stuff published, so… m/m is looking like a pretty rich market, at least for me.
Writing for a living is the dream for lots of us, but day jobs aren’t the end of the world. And going back to a day job doesn’t mean you’re a failure–a mountaineer who took a year off to train and then climbs Everest isn’t a failure because she goes back to a day job after she comes down from the summit! You’ve been living the dream for a while. If you aren’t able to live the dream forever? That’s okay. You’ve still achieved something special.
(And more practically – I have between twenty and thirty books published, and I could live off what I make writing. My day job makes way more and I’ve gotten used to that style of living, so I’m not going full-time with writing any time soon, but I make more from writing than I would from two full time jobs at minimum wage (strange metric, but it’s what I use). So it is still achievable to be a mid-lister in a niche market and make okay money. You just have to keep grinding away at it!)
You’re not a failure. Most writers don’t earn a living at writing fiction–and this is nothing new. Nor anything that is going to change. Yes, the market is glutted, yes publishing is in flux…and even if it wasn’t, even if that changes, MOST writers will not be able to earn a living at writing fiction. Ever.
I wish we could all stop equating the notion of making money with “success as a writer.” Some of the most influential and important writers of all time were unable to earn a living at their art. So it has been and so it shall always be.
Thank you so much for writing this. There are a lot of us in the same boat. I’ve reached the point where the day job has to be more important and I do my best to enjoy it. If and when I write, it’s because I’m enjoying telling the story. If I throw it at the wall and it doesn’t stick, so be it.
And my M/F stuff does much, much worse than my M/M ever did.
I leave this comment, for this writer and any other writer who is discouraged.
SUCK IT UP CUPCAKE! Things are better now than they were in 1979, when I graduated high school wanting to be a published writer. I faced reality, shoved that dream in a closet, and left it there.
Oh yes, I kept up writing through the years. But back then, in 1979, I didn’t have desktop computers nor internet nor self-publishing like we do now. There wasn’t any blogs, or free websites, or any of that.
There was just the big established publishers, the newspapers, the magazines; and that was pretty well it. And a girl from a very small town in Kentucky didn’t stand a snowflake’s chance in hell of becoming a published writer.
To all you younger ones, I wish I had of had the advantages then, that you have now. So, no matter how hard it gets, just remember ……
it’s a lot better now that it was.
We should call our little group The Company.
Nicely written. I am feeling like this more and more of late. No helping it, I suppose. Best of luck.
I don’t know you, but I want to hug you. I get it.
[…] reached a zenith, or even passed it. In one post, fellow author and friend Brandon Witt is lamenting (or is he?) that fact (I think?) It’s never really said in so many words, but I can deduce […]
One way to tell if you are writing quality: do your books get great reviews–starred reviews–from Publishers Weekly or Kirkus?
That’s useful for people whose books are even NOTICED by PW or Kirkus, but not a whole lot of use for those whose books aren’t reviewed at all. It’s not positive, not negative, just–nothing.
And the likelihood of being reviewed depends quite a bit on the genre/sub-genre. My m/m work outsells my m/f by far, but the only Kirkus review I’ve ever had was for a m/f novel. I have one m/f review and one m/m review from PW–my m/m doesn’t only outsell my m/f but I have four or five times more m/m books. There just isn’t a lot of mainstream attention to the m/m world. So relying on those reviews as a way to know if your writing is solid? Not that useful.
Not useful? Don’t be silly. Lethe has many books reviewed by PW and Kirkus. And whether you are self-published or not you can get a review. And if you get a good review libraries and bookstores buy. If you get a starred review, which is a measure of quality, then your store and library sales triple.
Oh, it’s extremely useful IF you get a review, for sure. (a real review, not a paid one)
But it’s not too useful if you DON’T get a review. Obviously. A bad review would suggest that work is needed, a good review is positive reinforcement, but a lack of reviews is just… nothing. Not useful.
Still useful; and PW and Kirkus do not give paid reviews stars like candy. Is he or his publisher trying to get reviews from these places? Or Library Journal. We’ve published books that have gotten such reviews. It makes a difference. If you don’t try that is being foolish. The only thing clearly un-useful is not trying.
I feel like we’re having two different conversations. I mean, sure, it’s good to get reviews from larger review sites. Yay, reviews!
But in terms of being a tool for author self-reflection, obviously a review isn’t valuable if it doesn’t exist, and obviously the big review sites don’t review all books. Right? So, sure, a good review from a good site is positive feedback, but the absence of such reviews isn’t negative feedback, it’s just a lack of feedback. This seems obvious, so possibly I’m missing whatever point you’re trying to make. Unless your point is just, Yay, reviews, in which case – yup. Got it.
There is a serious quality problem with lot’s of M/M stuff…pulp masquerading as literature…
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