BDSM is not an easy genre to write. The reality of BDSM is very different for everyone and the emotions that a Dom and sub have together can be very intense. D/s relationships even more so. Using a safeword isn’t necessarily about pain. While there are tons of books that highlight pain play and impact play – mine included – the more subtle nuances of BDSM aren’t explored as often. But one thing remains consistent: safewords are always relevant.

I write a lot of BDSM, but it’s not the exclusive genre in which I write. I also tell the stories of a lot of uniformed men who aren’t typically spanking and tying each other up. For the most part. *ahem*. Because of that, I have readers who wouldn’t normally be interested in reading a BDSM story, but who then decide to give one of mine a try. But I also have readers who are well-versed in BDSM practices or who have long been in the lifestyle. When you have that wide a gap in real life experience of a certain subject – there are bound to be opposing attitudes as to what is truly Safe, Sane, and Consensual or Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Everyone has a different definition of what they consider would be ‘too much’. We all relate the characters we read in relation to ourselves, so obviously that plays into when a character should safeword. Which circles me back to the common belief that a safeword automatically equals too much pain. Not so, kids. It could, of course, but there are so many other reasons someone might use their safeword. There are emotional triggers, fear for one’s own safety, misunderstanding of expectations, not enough information about a scene, or simply having an off night and just can’t deal. A sub can agree to something, go along with it, be rewarded by it, then come to the conclusion that it’s no longer helping, but hurting. And again, I’m not necessarily talking about pain here.

My favorite thing about writing BDSM stories is the emotional aspect within the context of a D/s, total power exchange relationship. So sometimes, my subs are in situations with their Doms which have nothing to do with sex or impact/pain play. Which means they don’t need to worry about that pesky safeword, right? Wrong. For example, in Bondage Rescue, Marshall is a bratty sub who’s screwed up his life pretty bad. Alcohol, drugs and promiscuity caused him to run away from his friends and their community out of shame. But when he’s in jail and has nowhere else to turn, he calls on his ex-Master for help. Marshall has treated everyone within his BDSM family with disrespect, but they all still care about him and want to see him succeed. This aspect of the story was very tricky for me to write.

If they run in and save him, pat his head and tell him everything will be okay, they’ll take care of it for him – it reinforces his self-entitled bad behavior and he learns nothing. Marshall just assumes that he can treat the people he cares about like day-old garbage, but they’ll still come and rescue him no matter what. Not only would that be a boring storyline, it would be a terrible way to handle someone who you hope will learn from their mistakes.

Instead, I had Marshall’s ex lay down the rules. He’ll pay for Marshall’s legal help as long as he agrees to clean up his act. Marshall has to show that he’s capable of submitting to a Dom for six months and to treating everyone around him with respect. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. The Dom who is training him to embrace full submission is also tending to all of Marshall’s other, more pressing needs. He has to get off alcohol and drugs. He needs to eat healthier, go to a doctor, perhaps a counselor. But Marshall does all of this within the context of fully submitting to whatever Master Stone orders him to do.

Marshall wasn’t being flogged. Master Stone wasn’t demanding a blow job in penance for Marshall’s mistakes. He was ordering Marshall to do the things that would help him to get better. Of course, as the story goes on and Marshall heals and their relationship continues… Well, they get to have some fun too.

I heard from a couple of readers that they thought Stone and Marshall’s ex were being horrible bullies and that Marshall never should’ve been ‘forced’ to submit. They believed that the ex should’ve just gone ahead and paid for Marshall’s legal defense and if Marshall felt like submitting, well, he could. Everyone has the right to their opinion of course, but one basic thing stands within the context of this BDSM scenario: Marshall was never being forced to do anything. Being ordered and being forced are waaaaaay different.

Marshall has a safeword. He’s been in the lifestyle before, lived in a D/s relationship with his ex – he’s not new to that rodeo. Marshall’s also the character who extolled the beauty of BDSM to his best friend Kyle and endlessly pushed him toward the lifestyle by telling Kyle he was a natural sub. This is a great example of how many gray areas there are within BDSM. Most likely, the readers who objected to Marshall being ‘forced’ were viewing it through the lens of how they would respond if they were in the same situation.

Marshall, like all of my subs, always has the power and the Doms they fall in love with always respect that power. Kyle, in the first Kiss of Leather book, safeworded right and left. I have no idea why Gavin put up with him. (Probably because Kyle’s pretty cute.) Bottom line, Marshall could’ve safeworded at any time. He had the power to choose what he did or didn’t want to do. Marshall agreed to go with Stone because that was his decision.

Here’s a short excerpt to give you an idea of what Stone is up against in trying to deal with Marshall:

“So you think someone’s trying to hurt Corey?”

Stone glanced up to see a sleepy Marshall standing in the entryway to the living room. His hair was mussed up – no more product – and he was rubbing one eye. He wore a set of plaid flannel pajamas and didn’t resemble the battered, angry and jittery young man he’d brought home the week before. Marshall was still quite thin, but he’d filled out just a bit.

And still quite mouthy when his energy allows him the luxury.

Stone smiled at him fondly. “Have a seat, Marshall.” He indicated to the sofa, wanting to see how close Marshall would sit next to him.

Marshall scowled, but moved to obey his request. “Yes, Sir.”

He’d be curious to find out what had caused Marshall’s reproachful look.

“When we discussed your attitude, Marshall, one of the things that was added to the list of punishments would be negative facial expressions.”

“Um, excuse me, but I asked you a question and you didn’t respond to me.”

“I’m in charge here, Marshall, which is something you still have trouble grasping. I had a reason for asking you to sit first and I don’t feel the need to explain that to you. When you’ve embraced the concept of my dominance over you and given me your full submission, you’ll allow me to lead. You’re still trying to direct everything how you think it should be. If there’s ever a legitimate concern you need to bring up, you can use one of your safewords or speak to me in a more respectful manner about whatever issue it is you’re having.”

Marshall crossed his arms, then let out a big huff as he stared up at the ceiling.

Somebody’s had plenty of rest.

“The little display you’re putting on right now is going to guarantee you’ll get the penis plug once you start wearing a cock cage on a regular basis.”

Marshall glared at him as he dropped his jaw. “Jesus. All I wanted to know was if Corey was in danger or not. Why are you being such a dick about it?” His cheeks flushed as if he knew he’d gone too far. He pressed his lips together before jerking his head to the side. “Pardon me for being concerned.”

“Get a protein bar, some juice and a bottle of water before going back to your room. I’ll be in momentarily to watch you take your vitamins. If you need to use the bathroom, call for me and I’ll give you permission to leave your room to do so.”

Marshall shot to his feet, his fists clenched at his sides. “I’m not a fucking child!”

Stone relaxed against the back of the sofa as he crossed his legs. “Then I suggest you quit acting like one.”

Marshall made a sound of frustration before he spoke. “I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have called you a dick. But all I wanted was a simple answer to a simple question.”

“Which you would’ve received if you hadn’t thrown a hissy fit.”

Something about what Stone had said caused Marshall’s rage to pause as he furrowed his brow and some of the tension he held in his body eased. Marshall chewed on his lip as he gazed at the carpet.

“I’m not…I mean…Everyone always says that, but…”

Marshall sighed, a melancholy sound that pulled at Stone’s heart. That’d been happening with increasing frequency. He’d have to watch himself. He wouldn’t be doing Marshall any favors by going easy on him – someone should’ve taken him in hand years before. Marshall might not understand why anyone would benefit from submission beyond sex, but Stone was aching to show him. Marshall would flourish with balance in his world. He just didn’t realize it yet.

“Think about what you want to say to me while you’re in your room. We’ll talk later after you’ve had a chance to raise your blood sugar and you’ve mused on what just happened between us.”

Marshall nodded jerkily, but wouldn’t meet his eyes. It was as if all the fight had just been sucked out of him.

Balance.