I recently lost a good friend, Martin Brodour. He died very young and he died suddenly. Sure, I’ve lost people I cared about before, some young, some not. All mourned and still missed. But this loss was different from all the others. Why? Because I never met Martin. I only knew him online.
For those of you who didn’t know Martin, he was the wonderfully talented artist and aspiring writer who crafted the gorgeous pendants for the giveaway prizes for the Mermen of Ea Series and Blood Series books. I met Martin when he sent me a PM on Facebook after reading the first Mermen of Ea book, Stealing the Wind, and he told me how much he enjoyed it. We talked about his art and about his love of writing. He
shared photographs of his works in progress, including a gorgeous ring he made for his beloved husband. I had hoped to meet Martin when I went to Dallas this past May for a conference, but he had a final exam. I told him not to worry, that I was sure we would meet in person someday. That someday will never happen.
So why blog about Martin? He was a sweet, funny, and caring man with a bright future taken away too soon. And sure, that’s part of the reason I want to mention him. But I thought I’d blog about him because my friendship and deep grief at losing him was a real eye-opener for me. It made me reassess my thoughts about online friendships and about the internet in general as a social tool.
Much has been written about how society will suffer because we live too much of our lives online with too little human contact. I’m no sociologist, and I’m not a researcher who has looked at relationships before and after the internet. But for what it’s worth, I don’t believe the internet has hurt us. Sure, I believe society has changed because of it, but I don’t believe it’s for the worse. It’s just… different.
I’ve met some of my closest friends online. More than 5 years ago now, my dear friend Venona Keyes took a chance and flew to North Carolina to spend a long weekend with me and my family, having never met me in person (in spite of her friends and relatives worrying that I might be a serial killer!). She and I have traveled together and we’ve visited each other more times than I can count. I didn’t grow up with the internet, and I was skeptical about Facebook and what being a
“friend” there meant. But I met my good friend Cody Kennedy there, and we have traveled together to conferences and spent July 4th weekend on my sailboat. I met the charming Michael Halfhill online and spent a wonderful weekend at the beach writing and enjoying terrific meals with him. I have other Facebook friends who are as dear to me as friends I’ve met in the usual way.
Which brings me full circle to Martin. I miss him. I cried for him (still do sometimes) and his husband. Yes, I loved and adored him. I felt all these things with the same intensity as I would have with a friend I met the more traditional way, and with whom I spent time in person. The loss is just as real to me, as are the emotions.
In spite of my preconceived notions about the internet, I’ve had many deep and sustained conversations with friends online. Facebook, in particular, has been a wonderful means to develop new friendships with authors and readers. Sure, there’s plenty that’s not perfect about cyberspace, including bullying, pirating, etc. But those are issues that happen in the “real” world as well and just serve to convince me that the cyberverse is no different from the universe. It’s full of human interactions, good and bad. I’m fortunate to have experienced some of the best of those interactions. -Shira
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In her last incarnation, Shira Anthony was a professional opera singer, performing roles in such operas as Tosca, Pagliacci, and La Traviata, among others. She’s given up TV for evenings spent with her laptop, and she never goes anywhere without a pile of unread M/M romance on her Kindle.
Shira is married with two children and two insane dogs, and when she’s not writing, she is usually in a courtroom trying to make the world safer for children. When she’s not working, she can be found aboard a 35’ catamaran at the Carolina coast with her favorite sexy captain at the wheel.
Shira’s Blue Notes Series of classical music themed gay romances was named one of Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Word’s “Best Series of 2012,” and “The Melody Thief” was named one of the “Best Novels in a Series of 2012.” “The Melody Thief” also received an honorable mention, “One Perfect Score” at the 2012 Rainbow Awards.
Shira can be found on Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter (@WriterShira) or on her web site, http://www.shiraanthony.com. You can also contact her at shiraanthony@hotmail.com.
What a beautiful post. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
Thanks so much Tammy. I appreciate it. <3
I’d known Martin since I was about 7. We’d been inseparable in high school, but hadn’t seen each other in about ten years, save for the day of his wedding. My heart broke the day he passed and I still find myself thinking daily of things I want to send him because I think he would find them hilarious. Then I remember that I can’t. I can assure you he was as wonderfully funny and lovely in person as he was online. I’m sorry for your loss and I know that it is a very real loss. He was an incredible person and we are all better for having known him.
Thank you Amber, and the same to you. I felt that from him, even over the internet. He was clearly very loved. <3
As someone who knew Martin for several years and loved him dearly, i appreciate your kind words.
Thank you Jessica.
I am Martin’s very good friend. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. He was a very bright, funny, and amazing human who cared deeply for his friends. You are in that blessed group. He spoke highly and fondly of you, and he was very proud of his work that you inspired. Thank you again
You’re welcome Cody. I felt all of those things about him. Martin radiated warmth in person and online. I’m lucky to have known him. *hugs*
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. He sounds like a wonderful man.
People who don’t use the ‘net discount online friendships. I had a dear pal who lived in Atlanta who was caught in that awful trap where she was too sick to work and because she didn’t work she didn’t have health insurance to help her get well. One of my lunchtimes she came online as usual and I sent her my usual good morning message but she didn’t reply and a while later her husband rang me to say that she had sat down at her keyboard and died. She was only 36. I got home from work devastated, to find my husband chatting to a ‘real life’ friend. When I told them a friend had died she was very sympathetic and asked who it was. I explained and she laughed and said “so not a real friend then” and they went back to talking about gardening. That was unkind, ignorant and very stupid, but they honestly couldn’t understand.
So sad, Elin. Truly. I’m sorry for your loss as well, and I totally understand your frustration and anger at the insensitivity. Who can judge friendship but the heart? Your heart, in this case.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I think the people who touch our hearts are special whether they are real life friends or online friends. ❤️
Thanks, Kari. I totally agree with you – the heart doesn’t lie.
Martin was an amazing human being who lost his life way too early. Thank you for this posting.
I feel so fortunate to have known him, Stephanie.
I’m so sorry he died so young. Like you, I’ve met some of my best friends on the Internet, I’ve travelled to stay with Venona Keys, I flew to Oregon and met with my long-term beta, and I check up on friends of various intensities on a regular basis. Friendship is what you make it, and you have obviously nurtured a great one. It being “only digital” doesn’t change anything.
I’m sorry for your loss, and there is so much truth to this article! I often hear people bemoaning the fact that the internet is replacing ‘real relationships’. I’m currently packing to fly across the country to Rainbow Con a few days early so I can spend time with two women who’ve become my best friends. We’ve chatted online every day for the last year, but this will be the first time we’re meeting in person. The internet has broadened the definitions of friendship and community, not eroded them, in my opinion!
Thanks, Alexa. Have a wonderful time in Florida with your friends!
The lose from you life in any form is so sad–I have made friends online and have so enjoyed this new from of Friendship– I agree with Alexa Land’s comment “The internet has broadened the definitions of friendship and community, not eroded them”— So here is to new friends
To new friends! 😀
Very elegantly voiced!
Thank you and sorry for your loss.
Thank you Jacki. <3
Totally understand Shira, I met Martin thru you and the Mermen pendant. He was so worried that I got the pendant back safely while he was in the hospital. I shed a few tears for him every time I put the pendant on.
He left behind a bit of himself in his art. I’ll always treasure the pendant he made me, and, like you, I’ll always think of him when I wear it. <3