As I was growing up, my mother taught me to stand up for myself and speak my mind. It got me in trouble most times, but she felt I was someone to be proud of—so I never hid. When I came out at 18, I did so with confidence about who I was and what that meant for me. When I started writing, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about and did so under my own name because I was proud of my work. Even in blog posts, I talk about me and about my life with confidence. Even when I fuck up, I’m fine with who I am. I am a good person—a kind and compassionate friend, an advocate, and a problem-solver.
Now that I’m dating someone from a seriously conservative background, I find myself censoring my Facebook posts. I can no longer be myself. Sometimes, I even censor JP’s posts, just in case they find me. I’m anxious about his family finding JP and seeing that I write gay romance and gay erotic fiction – I may as well write about satanic cults. And I hate it. I hate that I feel that I have to hide a body of work that it took me years of blood, sweat, and tears to produce. It’s frustrating, trying to keep the balancing act in place. On one side, I love him. Plain and simple. On the other, in my heart, I’m a bisexual, free-spirited submissive leather woman—but I have to keep up a façade that I don’t know I can maintain. I’m not a good little Southern Christian girl and I have no interest in becoming one.
I know this is a struggle for many of us, hiding huge parts of ourselves in order to please the moral majority. We earned our victory in the Supreme Court, but we have more battles to fight until we can truly be free. The sound of the eggshells that we must walk upon in polite society is deafening. I’ve been so sheltered, being surrounded by my gay friends, spending my life in their midst, that I forget how many people out there truly despise everything we are, and everything we want.
Just today, his mother told him she didn’t want him going back to The Eagle—my home, where all of my friends are, where I’m accepted, where I’m loved—because those people are there.
I’m one of those people.
Nothing is ever easy, is it.? But as they say, ‘nothing worth it ever is.’ Love is compromise but no one would want you to change who you are, least of all the person who loves you back. Remember, he fell for you.. YOU. So be you and communicate 🙂
I totally agree with Kimberly that you need to communicate with your partner. He,(presumably) knew all about you and fell for the real you and if you try and change yourself you might end up losing him. Is being a ‘good’ person for his family really worth that risk?
The best person to be, is yourself. When I broke up with a guy after two years my grandmother told me she knew it wouldn’t last. I ask why she didn’t say something, and she said because I had to figure it out for myself. She’s now 92 and still the smartest person I know. Like you said, you’re a kind good person. That is what is important. My thoughts and hopes are with you.
Who does he listen to more? You or his mother? . Is he repeating what his mother says in order to censor your behavior? WHY is he repeating what his mother says? Or was that in front of you? Is HE making you choose between the two of you? If he is, then think about that hard
The only way anyone can be truly happy is by being their true self. That’s the person your man fell in love with. If you suppress your true self and try to be someone quite different something will eventually break. Either your spirit or your control. It’s too much to give up and you will eventually resent it and resent him. You need to sit down, tell him how you feel and negotiate a compromise you can live with. If he’s happy with you being yourself then to hell and back with everyone else
Being yourself is the only road to happiness, JP. Being someone else, censoring yourself, having to walk on eggshells, particularly for the benefit of someone who should love all of you just the way you are, is never a good idea. 🙁