I just read an article that was posted in a group I belong to on Facebook regarding safe sex in erotic romance books. A while ago, in yet another group, there was a discussion about barebacking in gay porn. In both instances, there was a disturbing thought process regarding those topics.
The article discussed that several erotica authors felt that stopping to discuss the use of a condom ‘ruined the mood’ for the reader and had no place in an erotic romance novel. The excuse was that it’s fiction, not a sex manual. It sounds suspiciously like the argument pregnant teens used back in the day before STD’s were a bigger concern. ‘It’s a desire killer’. The Sex Ed teachers always responded with ‘So is a crying infant’. You know what else is a desire killer? AIDS. Literally.
This isn’t the eighties and I’m not Elizabeth Taylor. However, there’s been a frightening trend in the last few years where the subject of HIV and AIDS has been downplayed or ignored altogether in the interest of eroticism. Overall, it seems as though it’s no big deal anymore. ‘Hey. They have antiretroviral therapy now that knocks that shit right out. No big deal.’
ART does not knock it out. It controls it. If a person’s CD4 levels are still above a certain point, then life expectancy with HIV is similar to the average population. Except that the average population doesn’t have to continually take a drug cocktail every day and exactly as prescribed for the rest of their lives or else risk serious health issues. Sound fun? If a person doesn’t begin therapy until after their counts drop below a certain point, then they run the risk of developing full blown AIDS.
The biggest problem with ignoring safe sex in romance novels or porn, is that it sends the message that the risk of contracting HIV isn’t important enough to take ten seconds to put on a condom. That condoms are unsexy, or stop the flow of a scene. Even more worrisome is the lack of education among younger men who didn’t live through the crisis of the eighties. They might not worry about it as much, might not get tested early enough and then run the risk of their counts falling too low before they get help.
My characters always practice safe sex. If they bareback, it’s because they’ve been tested and I remark on it in the scene. There’s a way to write it that it remains erotic, which I hope then translates to partners believing it to be the case in real life. To be clear, my books have A LOT of sex. I write erotic romance almost exclusively. The feedback I get is that the sex is hot – condoms and all.
Yes, romance is fiction, and for many it’s a diversion from the demands of everyday life. But putting in a couple lines to reassure the reader that your characters are having a safe and healthy interlude is much more romantic than leaving their fate to chance. As a reader myself, when condoms aren’t used in a scene, it actually pulls me out of the story. I wonder about it. Did that happen because it will be an issue later in the story? Why didn’t they use one? After watching two very close friends lose their lives to AIDS in the nineties, I would never want anyone, ever, to go through that.
Play hardcore, but play safe.
Great post! And I am with you on all points. Thanks!!
Thank you for the post. You made some really great point and I agree with everything you said.
Like you said It really doesn’t even take that much time or space to write that the character used protection. I mean the simplest thing an author can probably write is that so an so “gloved up”.
I second every single sentence. Personally among family, friends or acquaintances thankfully I never had to deal with HIV, it’s something i only read or hear about. The first time was when i was maybe 10 years old, reading in my sister’s teen-magazine that Rock Hudson had died. I adored him, even as a child, and i was shocked. Then the hysteria started and yeah, it wasn’t a nice time 🙁
Today as a reader of romance and/or erotica I’m appalled when safe sex isn’t practiced or at least spoken about. And yes, it totally pulls me out of the story.
Great post Morticia, loved it and completely agree with you.
There is no such thing as safe sex not having a place in erotica. Sure, I would not get the point of making vampires or other species wear condoms (unless to preserve appearances) when the premise is they are not touched by human disease. But everything can be written in a sexy way. If you can;t write the condom part without killing my mood, they either you are not great, or I have a problem.
Of course, it has to do with when it happens, and between whom. So go historical erotic romance, or alternate universe, or whatever. No contemporary story should ever imply that safety does not matter.
You make an excellent point Alina regarding the setting of the story. Vampires, shifters, aliens and historical characters can get away without using condoms – that makes sense. In my books set in the 1920’s, it felt weird leaving out the condoms. But any post 1980’s characters? They absolutely need to glove it up.
Fully agree too. I believe that the fiction writers are a kind of trendsetters, and if they are writing erotic books they must do some education with the readers, because many of them are doing (most or less) things that they read in the favourite books and act as their models. Thumbs up for your points!
more* or less
I am totally with you and Alina with this issue. Whenever I read a story and they go bare it pulls me right off the story and actually makes me angry that they’re not suiting up. I think of the younger ones reading such irresponsible scene and pray they are actually using protection.
Good post!
Let me be the voice of disagreement. I’ve been pummeled about this subject before, so it’s not a risk for me, though many other authors are afraid to speak up about it.
And as a gay man who lived through the epidemic, I too have lost many friends, not just one or two, dozens.
However, I can’t ever remember a single time when, in the throes of passion, someone said, You know, that book I read had unsafe sex, so let’s go bb.
Nor was the opposite true… Hey, the book i just read…let’s put a condom on.
Trying to label authors as ‘irresponsible’ because they write a honest reflection of reality is straight BS. There are many men who still practice unsafe sex, the most popular gay porn is still bareback. This has zero to do with what they read.
I too agree, in this day and age, such behavior is stupid. I’ve said that many times, but I’m not going to slip a condom into the scene just because it’s PC.
In lust, men make stupid decisions, especially gay men (IDKY). That is reality, and likely also why HIV continues to infect at such alarming rates.
But please, writers, come off your high horse. You and your novel are likely the very last things on a gay man’s mind just as he is about to engage in sex. Your supposed message is lost as soon as he is erect. And let’s not forget that the primary reader of gay erotic romance is female, not gay men. (They tend to drift to video stimulation for their erotic needs.)
Personally, I don’t write for children, I write for adults who are quite capable of making their own decisions. IMO, writing werewolves and bats having unsafe sex (because they’re not human they can’t get disease) is nothing but a cop out by writers who are afraid of the PC police. Ask a vet how many communicable diseases animals transmit to one another. If you believe so strongly, the message should be consistent, regardless of whether your MC has fangs or not.
I don’t do PC just because it’s PC. I am the opposite of MK, when I see a condom slipped in just to satisfy the PC police, then it pulls me out of the story. I wonder why the author didn’t have the guts to intimate that yes, there are times when men don’t think (like every time their penis is hard.)
Now having said all that. I agree: Play hardcore, but play safe. And I would add that you should know the difference between fiction and reality before engaging in intercourse.
If you don’t, the consequences of your actions lie with you. Not writers, not filmmakers, not the PC police who have so adamantly tried to get the message out. YOU.
This is called taking responsibility for yourself instead of trying to push your irresponsibility off on our wanna-be-your-nanny society.
Respect to MK for voicing her opinion, though I disagree, I still delight in her writing.
Thank you for your comments Brandon – it’s always great to get other opinions! I was curious to discover what other reactions to this post there might be.
I understand and heartily agree with your ‘PC’ police frustration. The culture in the last few decades that supports people who blame artists, musicians, video games, the way the wind was blowing or what junk food they ate that day to excuse whatever bad – or reprehensible- behavior they chose to engage in (ala the ‘Twinkie’ defense) is ridiculous. Ultimately – we’re all responsible for our own actions.
I also find it interesting how different readers react to various elements of story writing. Whereas I get pulled out of the story if no condom is used, you experience the opposite. I’m also wondering how many readers there are in the middle of where you and I stand – those who never even gave it a second thought!
At the end of the day, whatever we create as writers has to be done from our own personal well – and that includes processing the myriad of good, bad and ugly moments from our lives, sprinkling them with a healthy dose of our imagination, then turning them into something new.
With regards to my guys using condoms in my romances – that’s just how I have to roll.
Lots of hugs to you Brandon 🙂