Reviewed by Donna

TITLE: A Gay Romance

SERIES: A Gay Series #1

AUTHOR: Gina A. Rogers & Kyle Adams

PUBLISHER: MLR Press

LENGTH: 230 Pages

BLURB:

All American Ram Rage is a dedicated officer of the law. He hates crooked cops, communicates in growls and loves his applesauce. But when the town heartthrob calls in a stiffie—pun intended, Ram is drawn into the web of a sadistic killer who is every gay man’s nightmare: a vagina. The investigation leads him on a wild chase involving a sassy retired stripper, a strange little town and, of course, crazy hot acrobatic stunts of an intense sexual nature with the gorgeous man at the center of it all.

To meet Kory Pleyes is to instantly fall in love. Literally. However, Kory has never returned those feelings until the moment sexy alpha cop Ram Rage comes barging, lights and sirens, into his life. Kory’s friends keep popping up dead, but it’s NBD and provides Kory with the excuse he needs to cling to the one man who doesn’t seem to mind that he’s a slow poke—this pun also intended. When the killer threatens the man he loves, will Kory be able to protect him with nothing but his average wits and incredible charm? Duh! It’s Homosapia, where anything gay is possible!

 

REVIEW:

 

“I once fucked a guy’s throat so raw he had to swallow Vaseline before he could talk again. For the next year.”

“Pfft.” Mathias saw his chest puff and raised him a shoulder roll. “I fuck guys so hard doctors call the vegetative state I leave them in the Mathias Miasma.”

Ram pushed right up into Mathias’ face. “I get so deep they call me Lavaman because I drill all the way to the core and make ‘em erupt.”

I should probably warn you in advance that I have a feeling this review will end up being more quotes than my own actual thoughts. Just so you know, I take no responsibility for this. The blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the authors who have written what is surely the best parody book I have ever read.

If I’m reading a book with the intention of reviewing it I like to highlight as I go because even though I think I’ll remember the best bits I always forget at least some of them. Well, I have so many highlights that reading through them will probably take about as long as it originally took to read the whole damn book. The pages on my iPad are lit up with so many pink lines, because I prefer to highlight in pink, it looks like…well, shit. I can’t think of a simile for a pink stripy think (maybe just insert your own here). But anyway, there’s no way I’m going to be able to use all my lovingly collected quotes but I plan to squeeze in as many as comfortably possibly so lube up folks!

Welcome to Homosapia, a most progressive city where everything happens per the rules of the gay manual. You guys all know the rules, right? Alphas are naturally kept from lusting after men whose dick length equals their own, life threatening wounds can be healed through the power of sex, once a gay man finds his true love he may have endless orgasms and gay men will always have fresh breath no matter how many hours they’ve just spent eating ass. You know, those rules. I’m sure we’ve all read them enough times to be familiar with them by now. Just don’t break any of the rules or you may find yourself dealing with one of Homosapia’s fabulous officers of the law.

“I’m in charge here,” Ram growled. “We’re going to do this by the book. You can’t just skip pages of the gay manual, we do all the steps, in order, so we get the full experience.”

Ram Rage is top Alpha at the Homosapia police department. He growls, he has huge muscles, his penis can grow to twelve inches with just one touch and when he plays baseball he’s always the pitcher because obviously, Alpha males never catch. His best friend and partner Blake however is the total opposite. Blake is rather more flamboyant but he has a talent for undercover work that is unsurpassed. He also understands the importance of keeping social outside the job.

“Lemme just finish my status update. Finished breaking and entering. But, oops, wrong apartment. Our bad. L.O.L. Exclamation point.”

Little does Ram realize that the next job they go out on is going to bring him together with his true love. All it takes is some hot cooch, one pair of scissors and the murder of a woman that is really inconvenient for everyone involved.

“Yeah, I’m Kory Pleyes and I was the one who reported,” he deepened his voice and paused for the appropriate amount of time to make a dramatic effect, “the murder.”

Kory Pleyes is the most perfect twinkish character I’ve ever come across. His body is naturally smooth, he wakes up every morning with perfectly groomed hair and as he pointed out to his best friend he doesn’t even need to bleach his butt hole. Everybody instantly falls in love with him. They touch him and stroke him as he walks down the street and the one time he tried to make porn it was unsuccessful because the other men all kept coming before they could manage to have sex with him. Even Siri wants to keep Kory all to herself. But if everybody loves Kory Pleyes, why does it seem as though somebody is trying to kill him? Could it have something to do with the secret he’s keeping?

“You better do more than scissor those fingers,” Kory panted as he writhed on Ram’s fingers. “You need to garden shear them if you expect me to take your monster dick.”

Ok, so that was one of my favorite quotes! As you would expect, the sex scenes in this book are pretty damn awesome. They are super sexy while at the same time still keeping up the level of humor that we’ve come to expect. One of my favorite parts of this book was actually the (literally) dozens of different euphemisms the authors came up with for an ass hole. I think some of the best are – pleated prizebox, warm éclair shell, hamster burrow, chamber of secrets and puckered pumpkin top. But this one gets my top vote,

Ram was like the Cookie Monster as he munched away on Kory’s chocolate truffle, his groans of ecstasy vibrating Kory’s gaping passage to paradise.

Another thing I loved about this story? The political incorrectness was off the charts. They pretty much covered insulting everybody, which I figure makes it totally fine! Gay men, women, ugly people, black people, midgets…murdered people? That’s right, even the poor murder victims in this story get absolutely no respect and neither do the pot plants. And seriously, when the pot plants start to get dissed you know that nobody is safe from ridicule.

As you would expect from this sort of story the plot is unbelievably over the top, in fact I would have been disappointed if it wasn’t. To tell the truth some of the stuff these authors wrote just left me shaking my head and wondering how on earth they came up with it. Their minds obviously work in some very mysterious ways.

I won’t be surprised if a few people find this book a bit annoying or maybe too full on but I think it will be a definite minority. People who don’t read a lot of gay romances may find they miss some of the more subtle jokes, not that there is much of anything that’s subtle about this book. And definitely don’t read this book if you’re one of those people who seem to find offence in anything and everything because in this story, that’s what’s offensive – anything and everything. But that’s why I love it.

Well, have I missed any quotes that I simply must include? Just wait one sec, please, while I go check.

Ok I had to choose between this one and one where Ram offers Kory a special ring, but I fingered (haha, I typed that by accident but I’m so leaving it right there) what I meant to say was I figured that would be best left to discover when you read this book for yourself. So we’ll go with this –

“Yeah,” he purred, “I’ll confess if that will make you happy. I confess I sometimes use my limp wrist to finger my butthole.”

 

 

RATING:

 

BUY LINKS:

 MLR

Amazon

ARe