Happily Ever After

Hello all,

It’s Matt again and I have not been on LoveBytes as a blogger in several months… seven months to be precise. The lovely Dani knows why but here is the reason. On February 6th, 2016 I lost my best friend, partner, lover and husband of nineteen years to an aggressive form of lymphoma of the brain. Tim first and only symptom manifested itself on Thanksgiving night with a massive seizure. From that point on it was downhill. I watched a vibrant, funny, snarky man wither in front of me. Each moment, each day, he lost more of himself and I had was front row to it. Friends and family understood but how can you really. They go home at the end of the day and I had to experience his deterioration in excruciating detail. The scars are just starting to heal for me. The memories are still strong and acrid in the back of my throat.

So, I stopped writing. I was in the middle of my last WIP when he became ill and it got shelved. It took nearly five months to finish one chapter and close out the book. I tried, God knows I tried, multiple times to finish Boone’s story. But how can someone write a happy ending, when their own happy ending was cut so cruelly short. I opened my word doc at least three dozen times before I could finish that last damn chapter and I think I know what helped. I learned to laugh again. I didn’t think I would ever laugh again.

One day I put in my ‘Are You Being Served’ DVD series and found myself giggling at Mrs. Slocumbe’s pussy, ‘I’m free’ lisped by Mr. Humphries and ‘Ere’ from Ms. Brahms and I smiled again. Not just on the inside but the outside as well. I picked up my laptop, reread what I had written and damn well gave my character his happy ending… all the while crying for my own lost one. Writing happiness when grieving is like bicycling with a blinders on. You can do it, but you’ll most likely get hurt in the end. It did hurt to write Boone’s happily ever after and yet it gave me hope. Maybe one day, I’ll be happy again. Until then, my characters will give me joy.

To my Tim, you were my world and it’s a little bleaker without you. Love your pooterpuff.

Thank you,

Matt Ortiz


7 Responses

  1. Helena Stone
    Helena Stone at |

    Hi Matt, thank you for your touching and honest post. I know it doesn’t feel like it to you right now, but your happily ever after didn’t end when Tim had to leave. He’s still with you, if he wasn’t you wouldn’t hurt the way you do. And nineteen years worth of wonderful and happy memories will be yours forever, no matter what happens next. It will take more time but the moment will come when you won’t have to turn to ‘Are You Being Served’ for your smiles and laughs; you’ll remember something from your and Tim’s shared past and it will brighten your day rather than make it darker. Give yourself time and trust that nothing, not even death, can destroy a good and loving relationship.

  2. Tammy Anita
    Tammy Anita at |

    I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. You must be a strong person to be able to write that HEA while you are grieving so. My thoughts are with you.

  3. murmar46mary
    murmar46mary at |

    I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is the most horrendous disease and it affects everyone around. I am experiencing it with my mother who has 4th stage lung cancer and it is just plain awful. My thoughts are we with you

  4. Jen CW
    Jen CW at |

    Matt, I can never express my sorrow at the devastating loss of Tim. My thoughts are with you. *hugs* I’m happy that you found your smile. 🙂 I can’t wait to read Boone’s story.

  5. 16forward
    16forward at |

    Hoping each day will ease your pain a little while enriching your memories.

  6. Sally halliday
    Sally halliday at |

    Very sorry for your loss

  7. Harper Miller
    Harper Miller at |

    I’m very sorry for your loss Matt. I’m glad you’re learning to laugh again. Wishing you the best in your future endeavors.


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