Thanks for joining me to kick off the Hop Against Homophobia And Transphobia! HAHAT is an incredibly important event each year intended to raise awareness and inspire LGBTQIAP individuals. Along these lines, we don’t only wish to inspire others, but also wish to inspire ourselves. That’s right. OURSELVES. My good friend Timmy wrote about bullying… but a type of bullying we don’t often think about: self-bullying. Timmy’s insightful words will have us thinking well and often about how we treat ourselves and how we can be better to ourselves. As always, thanks for a wonderful post, Timmy!
I stand there and stare at my attacker. It’s time for me to tell him what he does to me, how he makes me feel, and what he takes away from me. I tell him I cry myself to sleep at night just wishing the cycle would stop. That I hope tomorrow it will end, but then, I know it will not. I tell him that he pushes and pokes me, and calls me hurtful names. He takes away everything that is left of me, everything that I could be. I tell him how much I hate him and that he’s the reason I continue not to trust. I ask him if he’s proud of what he does to me, how he turns what little is left of my self-esteem into dust. I want this cycle to end. I’m not sure I will survive much longer. When I get no answer, I turn away from the mirror to start the cycle again.
There are many ways to spot bullying. We see it daily whether we are adults or children. For most, all we have to do is look in a mirror to see what a bully looks like. I believe that everyone has bullied themselves at some time in his or her life, and if you say you haven’t, then take a better look at your life. Self-bullying is just as cruel and hurtful as bullying another person. The saying, “You can be your own best friend or your own worst enemy” is very true. Self-bullies employ the same emotional attacks as people who bully outwardly and, in some cases, even the physical attacks are the same.
There are many forms of self-bullying and I use a single question to determine if I am self-bullying. This test will work with most types of self-bullying, and if the answer to the question is yes, then you know what you are doing to yourself. The simple question is this: If Tom did or said this to John, would I consider it bullying? If the answer is yes, then you are self-bullying. For example, if Tom called John ugly, fat, and stupid, would you consider this bullying? The answer, of course, is yes. So why is it okay for Tom to call himself these same words? Do they hurt any less? Do they not make a lasting impression on him?
In many way’s self-bullying is worse. You know your own fears, secrets, and history. You know what will hurt you the most. You know all the guilt, shame, and failures from your past with which you use to punish yourself. Self-punishment is another name for self-bullying. Some people are constantly bullying and abusing themselves, and some only do it once in a while. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine whether you do this:
Do you feel that you self-punish?
Do you ever feel a compulsion to physically harm on yourself?
Does embarrassment, failure, or not having control of a situation cause you to be angry with yourself, to the point of punishment?
Do you yell at yourself?
Have you called yourself names?
Do you push away people who love you and want to help you because you don’t believe you deserve the help?
Do you neglect yourself or environment?
If you answer yes to any of the above questions, then you self-bully. When you call yourself stupid, ugly, no good (fill in the blank), nerd, freak, too fat, too skinny, or not worth it, then you are being mean and hurtful to youself. Remember the test: If Tom said or did any of these things to John, would he be bullying? Of course, he would and guess what? You are too!
Physical injury is a severe form of self-bullying. If Tom cut John with a blade, would that not be a form of bullying? A few examples of physical punishment might be body mutilation, extreme exercise, over/under eating, or alcohol and drug abuse. Keep in mind that even though these physically affect you, they will also mentally effect you. Some of these behaviors can be the most damaging to your mental health and well-being.
Drinking and drugs are easy to spot, however there are other behaviors that are easily hidden, and easily overlooked. Have you ever expected more from yourself than was reasonable? Employ the test. Tom expects John to finish the project perfectly the first time without help at all. Is that fair? No, and it’s no more fair than when a person expects that of themselves. Often, when being a perfectionist, it escalates into name calling, guilt, and shaming, which are all examples of self-bullying. Other such examples of easily hidden and often performed self-bullying tactics are: over-personalization, self-blame, internalizing fears/feelings, repeating bad choices when you know there will be a bad consequence, not being able to take a compliment, staying in a bad situation because you don’t believe you deserve better, and using a trigger to punish yourself (a trigger is a feeling, memory, smell, sound, or sight that triggers a bad feelings or thoughts of a past incident that hurts you).
So maybe next time, instead of turning away from the mirror and restarting the cycle of self-bullying, make a commitment to yourself. Make a commitment to treat yourself with the same love, understanding, and forgiveness that you would treat others with. If you wouldn’t tell your best friend that she’s looking fat today, don’t tell yourself that. If you wouldn’t approve of Tom telling John that he is nothing but a screw up who can’t even do a simple task, then don’t say something like that to or about yourself.
Maybe what people really need is to understand that the Golden Rule applies to not only how you treat others, but to how you treat yourself. Don’t do to yourself what you wouldn’t do to another, or what you wouldn’t approve of someone else doing to another. You’ll be happier for it.
CONTINUE THE QUEST!
See you next month on Tuesday, June 17th!
Available from: Harmony Ink Press
Όμορφη. Ómorphi. Greek. Meaning pretty
Pretty. adj. /pritē/ Pleasing by delicacy or grace
~*~
High school senior Michael Sattler leads a charmed life. He’s a star athlete, has great friends, and parents who love him just the way he is. What’s missing from his life is a boyfriend. That’s a problem because he’s out only to his parents and best friend. When Michael accidentally bumps into Christy Castle at school, his life changes in ways he never imagined. Christy is Michael’s dream guy: smart, pretty, and sexy. But nothing could have prepared Michael for what being Christy’s boyfriend would entail.
Christy needs to heal after years of abuse and knows he needs help to do it. After the death of his notorious father, he leaves his native Greece and settles in upstate New York. Alone, afraid, and left without a voice, Christy hides the myriad scars of his abuse. He desperately wants to be loved and when he meets Michael, he dares to hope that day has arrived. When one of Michael’s team-mates becomes an enemy and an abuser from Christy’s past seeks to return him to a life of slavery, only Michael and Christy’s combined strength and unwavering determination can save them from the violence that threatens to destroy their future together. Read an excerpt of Omorphi
Available from: Harmony Ink Press
Caleb had one mission in life.
To keep his boyfriend safe.
They met at ten, kissed at twelve, and were madly in love by eighteen. Caleb Deering is the captain of the swim team and the hottest senior in school. He comes from a loving home with a kind father and a caring, but strict, mother who is battling breast cancer. Nico Caro is small and beautiful, and has a father who rules with an iron fist—literally. One morning Caleb forgets himself, and he pecks Nico on the lips at school. A teacher sees them and tattles to the Headmaster. The accidental outing at school might be the least of their problems, because the ball set in motion by the school’s calls to their parents could get Nico killed. In the face of that very real danger, Caleb knows he has only one mission in life: to keep Nico safe. Read an excerpt of Safe.
Check out Cody’s Blog. Like Cody on Facebook, find Cody on Goodreads, on Twitter @CodyKAuthor, and read Cody’s free serial story, Fairy.
I think a lot of people forget to be kind to themselves (myself included sometimes), and it definitely changes your perspective on the world!
Thanks, for reading Trix. I agree, when you take the time to notice what you are doing, it does change your perspective.
Timmy
Very insightful Timmy, and so very true…
Normally we’re all harsher on ourselves than we’re on others, Sometimes I demand more of myself than I would from others and it’s also a bullying… but I’ve learned go give myself a break and not be so demanding. I don’t have to be perfect, I’m human!!… I’m allowed to make mistakes, to be wrong, to fail sometimes, and is okay to be sad sometimes, is okay to hurt…
But is Better when you accept yourself as you are and learn to Love yourself…
I had some tough health problems and I realised that I had 2 ways to face it… I could wallow in self pitty or I could raise my head, face my problems and learn from the experience.
So I decided TO BE HAPPY. Now I don’t give power to what will get me down, to small things, to small people… Now I value all the moments I have with my family, my friends, my animals… I let myself have fun doing silly things and enjoying life. It’s not easy, but it’ so worth it!!!
Thanks Timmy for being my peep.
<3 <3 <3
Thank you sweet Claudia for reading the post. I struggle with self-bullying and self-blaming daily. The poem in the being was me just a few short months ago. I have worked hard to get where I am not, and I have a lot of work ahead of me to get where I need to be. Thanks for being MY peep.
Timmy
Beautiful post! Very insightful….We all need to read this over and over again….
It’s my hope that this helps some people see what they do to themselves ( me included). Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Timmy
Great post, Timmy! This is something everyone should read because we are all guilty of it from time to time no matter how accomplished or confident. We all have our moments of self-bullying. And it cuts to our core because how can we expect others to treat us with dignity and respect if we don’t treat ourselves with dignity and respect? What we put out into the universe is what we get back so we should all make an effort to make sure that what we exude is positive and nurturing and kind to ourselves and to others. Thank you for articulating this so well.
(((My Mel))) Thank you for reading, and I agree! How can I blame my low self esteem on others, when I do nothing to make it better. Maybe if I talked better to myself, then what others say won’t hurt quite as much, because I won’t believe what was said is true.
Timmy
You are making wonderful progress, Timmy. We don’t get to the point of self-bullying in a day so we can’t solve the problem in a day. The important thing is to try to do better each and every day until we find that we have developed a habit of taking care of ourselves and being kind to ourselves. Slow, steady steps… you will get there. You have a beautiful heart and soul, just follow them. I’m very proud of you.
I’m so very proud of what you have achieved so far and I know you’ll keep improving daily. You’re sweet, caring, extremelly talented, a wonderful person and friend – Never forget it. I’m here for you to count on, to talk to, or to be silly with.
Clau
(((Claudia))) Thank you, that means a lot to me.
Timmy
What a powerful message. xx
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.
Timmy
Excellent post! Something for us all to think about. It’s taken me a lifetime to be able to look in a mirror and think that yes, I’m good enough, just the way I am. I wish there had been someone like you, Timmy, to to tell me to be nicer to myself. I just never thought of it as bullying. This is a very good message you’re giving us. Thank you.
Thank you Dianna. I’m so glad that you get what I was saying! Bullying comes in all forms, I have one more post that I plan to write for next month, also about bullying.
Timmy
Yea! Looking forward to reading it. You’re such an insightful person, Timmy. You make me think.
Oh, Timmy, each and every day you knock my socks off. This post is so wonderfully thought out and well written. I’m glad you wrote this, as sometimes it’s hard to be nice to ourselves. You made me see how very important it is and just how self destructive it can be. I’m so proud of you and I’m proud to call you my friend. xoxo
<3 Sandy <3 You are so sweet and I'm grateful to have you as a friend as well. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post and comment on it.
Timmy
Wow! Just, wow. What an insightful and thought-provoking post. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Timmy <3 You certainly have my thinking about my own self-talk.
Aniko, so glad it could help you! That is my goal in sharing this post. Sadly many people don’t even realize that is what they are doing to themselves. I so hope this helps.
Amazing insight, Tim. That person in the mirror needs a good talking to, at times.
I learned a trick many, many years ago: I was told to lie blatantly to my mirror image, every morning, to tell it that I was a beautiful and excellent person, with a gorgeous day ahead. I did this, like clockwork, every day for months, and suddenly, one day, the words didn’t feel like lies anymore. I had heard them so many times, they started to feel like friends. Like they were actually true. Like the person in the mirror was really beautiful and excellent. The power of words and repetition.
Hammer those words into your mirror image. Whack away! One day, you’ll beleive it.
And when you do, I will be right there with you saying, “Yes. Exactly.”
Thank you for this post, Tim. An excellent and beautiful exposé.
Yes, Anna! I will try that and see if it helps me. Love you much and thanks for reading. <3
Timmy
Thank you Cody & Timmy for a interesting and heartfelt post. You are so spot on about self-bullying – we all do it at sometime or another. This is an amazing Blog Hop – the best I can remember – so many great stories and beautiful messages – so much yet to learn.
Thanks for reading Lisa, and thank you for leaving a comment.
Timmy
Thank you for reading and commenting, Lisa!
Timmy <3 I am not surprised that yet again you take something we all do, mostly without realising it, and show us very simply and clearly what we are doing to ourselves. Like with your adult bullying post this nails it in such a clear way.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and showing us the way forward <3
((My sweet Deeze)) Thank you for reading. <3 Love my peeps, you guys give me so much support. It really means the world to me.
Timmy
Wonderful post amazing insight. When you look in the mirror you often say harsh thing to yourself, I never thought about it that way thank you I’ll try to remember that.
[email protected]
Thanks for reading Shirley. I really appreciate the time you took to read and comment.
Timmy
Thanks you for this post! You are spot on! Sometimes I am my worst critic. It’s easy to get caught up in self-hate talk. And you are right, you need to treat yourself better and encourage yourself. I think that’s an important lesson for all of us. Timmy, you are an amazing young man. I admire your your curious mind, generous heart, and your creativity. Thank you!
<3 Kari, thanks so much. I love that you guys have inspired and supported me in learning all the things I can do.
Timmy
This is such an amazing post. It really opened my eyes to comments I often make with regard to myself. The Golden Rule as it applies to ME. Wow. It’s something that people don’t think about, and you’ve brought it to the forefront in a fantastic way, Timmy. Powerful words. Powerful message. I love that you continue to teach me about so many things. <3 <3 <3
Thanks Jules! So happy that you like it. This post was hard for me, because I struggle with this daily, but I’m working on it.
Love you
Timmy
This has got to be one, if not the best, post so far on this HAHAT hop. I can honestly say that what you talk about was said in a way that I had not actually thought about before. I mean I knew it, but not in the way that you so clearly stated. Thanks, it gives me something to think about.
penumbrareads(at)gmail(dot)com
Thank you for the wonderful compliments, Penumbra. It is truly interesting to note how we often govern ours to kindness when we think of others but aren’t so kind to ourselves. Thanks for dropping by and commenting. It’s great to see you here.
I’m glad my post gave you a new perspective to explore. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
Timmy
What a strong and powerful post. So today, I will try to remember not to bully myself. And then, tomorrow, I’ll go for it again…. I’m looking forward to a bully-free day
You should try everyday, but that is really hard to do. Thanks for reading!
Timmy
Great post! Sometimes we really are our own worst enemies, when we should be our most emphatic cheerleader. I’ll try to do better. 🙂
Yes Terri, so true! I hope that I can learn to bully myself less. This post was for me just as much as for everyone else.
Timmy
Timmy, amazing insight, spot-on. Especially this:
“Make a commitment to treat yourself with the same love, understanding, and forgiveness that you would treat others with.”
Well said my dear friend. Well said. <3
Timmy, you astound me. I know everything you wrote of course – intellectually – but I’m as guilty of self-bullying as the next person and most of the time I do it to myself without even realizing what I’m doing. I don’t even make the connection when I’m moody, quiet and easy to irritate the rest of the day. Your reminder will hopefully mean I’ll be more observant and quicker to cut myself off when I enter that downward spiral.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish you could see you the way I do. I’m in awe of the growth I see taking place in you with every single post you share. It may not feel like that to you but I can see you going from strength to strength and I live for the day you look in that mirror and tell the (young) man you meet there: “you know what, I think we’re all right.” As far as I’m concerned you can tell him that today…from me if not from you.